Two Year Olds Are Wicked Evil: Why You Should Be Allowed To Stick Them In A Closet With A Grow Light Till They’re 18

Today was so unbelievably frustrating. Gavin turned two in February, it’s now March and he has now officially turned into a “terrible two”.  I guess he’s a late bloomer.

I was all ready to do a new blog post today, but something happened. Gavin happened.

My daughter is supposed to keep her markers in the baby free area, but somehow one always sneaks out. I tell her I will throw away every single one I find that makes it out of the Gavin free area and I do. I have no idea how we still have markers because I have thrown so many away.

Gavin got ahold of one today, he has brown striped legs. Luckily the contraband was found and confiscated and discarded before he got to the walls.

He’s learned how to remove a diaper with lightning speed and efficiency and he’s proud of it. I always know when he’s managed to remove his clothes because there’s a joyous whoop followed by the, “Look At Me I’m Naked Dance”.

If he does a #2, he has that diaper off and is offering it to the dog before I can even grab the diaper and wipes. The dog will not eat Cheerios off the ground, but believes a dirty diaper to be a delicacy. Gavin did this twice today.

I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and came back and my internet access was no longer working. Now I can’t for sure blame him, but I’m going to anyways. I was on hold with Linksys for nearly 25 minutes before I made contact with a human being.

I finally get a human being on the line and I hear this squealing outside. Gavin is stuck in a fence. I probably should have left him there. Figuring the neighbors or Linksys’ customer service might call child protective services on me, I decided it would be best to free him.

I went back in the house to fix my internet problem and Gavin came in to show me his finger. He looked up at me with his sad, pitiful little face and said, “finger, finger”. Now I’m completely irritated with him at this point, but how could I resist kissing his little finger which I was certain had an owie on it.  I wish I had. He was bringing his finger to show me he had dog crap on it.

I cannot wait until he is old enough to truly understand the fear of death from mom. My other boys put me thru this same hell when they were  this age, but wouldn’t dream of misbehaving now.

I am going to have beer tonight. I am going to have a LOT of beer. The amount of beer I will consume tonight is not good for my Warrior Diet program, but will be very good for my mental health and it will save lives.

[UPDATE] I never did have any beer, I just went to bed.



  1. Dog likes hot lunch, eh?

    I have two boys, and having been one myself, I can appreciate what you are going through. I found my youngest sleeping underneath the kitchen table this morning. Why it wasn’t in his perfectly good bed, I’ll never know.

  2. This is why I like my dogs better than kids.

    At least my dogs eat the dog crap. They don’t offer to share it with me.


  3. In considering the death of offspring vs. beer consumption,
    the choice of beer was ethically the “lesser of two evils.”

    Bottoms up, Momma!

  4. Can’t you just velcro him to something for six months or so?

  5. Can’t you just go back to the duct tape method? It would have at least been beneficial while on the phone with Linksys.

    Seriously, I don’t know how you do it. I’m in awe.

  6. Bruhahahaha!

    Mine are all grown, I have already gone through that crap and forgotten it.


    Mr Minority

  7. What?? You think changing your name was going to save you? Go back to being “Rosemary” and embrace your Hell!

  8. Heh. This is what you get for having sons with a former Mountain Mormon. [It is a well-known fact that sons of Mountain Mormon men are predisposed to all kinds of weirdness involving dog poop. At least, all of the sons of Mountain Mormon men that I know are thusly predisposed. “All the sons” is about 7 or 8. So I’m sure that means something.] Anyway, you can totally blame this on the pajamapappa, or whatever he calls himself.

  9. I knew he had a poop fetish! He’s goin down.

    hahaha, we were destined to have at a minimum, four kids. I was raised Catholic and he was raised Mormon. It was all over for us from the get go.

  10. What?? You think changing your name was going to save you? Go back to being “Rosemary” and embrace your Hell!

    Hey, PJM, is your sister a lush?

  11. Mine are all grown, I have already gone through that crap and forgotten it.

    Kill me now.

  12. Hey, PJM, is your sister a lush?

    Abba-dabba-dooo r u still on the “bitter express”? I was only kidding when I called your blog gay…(kinda).

  13. I think someone needs a little … discipline.


  14. I think someone needs a little … discipline.

    Ohhh!…are you talking about me?? I hope! -I prefer whips, chains, and spam. Let the discipline begin!!

  15. I prefer whips, chains, and spam.

    Can we leave out the spam? I’m not really into rubbing-food-all-over-your-body porn.

  16. From the destructive-stuff-I-did-as-a-kid file: I took my dad’s car keys and stuck them in the electrical outlet. Fortunately, my parent’s bed was right behind me and that’s where I landed after being thrown backwards. You might want to keep an eye on Gavin and car keys.

    For some reason I have no interest in messing around with things electrical.

  17. Hey, KKFF, that gives me an idea. Ever try electrified nipple clamps?


  18. >>I prefer whips, chains, and spam.

    I don’t get it. You want to be whipped and chained infront of a email inbox with no spam protection? have heard weird things, but this one is freaky.

  19. This is why God gave me daughters. I am probably cursed to have male grandchildren and by then I hope to be too old to notice. :)

  20. Beautiful avatar jennifer. Guess what I’m making for dinner now? :)

    Ok wait just a cotton pickin minute! Your avatar on the side bar is different than your avatar in the comment. Are you trying to screw with my sugar depleted brain?

  21. Guess what I’m making for dinner now? :)


  22. For shit sakes. Gavin didn’t want you to kiss the crap. He wanted to play stink finger.

  23. I should have just bit it off.

  24. With a toddler, is there such a thing as a baby free zone?

  25. Wait…. Your not allowed to stick the kids in the closet with a grow light ’til they are 18???? I better go check on mine!!!

  26. Leave it to Kare-kare Fare-fare to take an innocent story about a sweet little boy and get people talken about alcohol and whips and chains!! What kind of blog is this?????

    Oh by the way…. I have it on good authority that little man was actually trying to get mommy to lick his finger not kiss it.

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