Sex Ed Old School Style

A mystery/suspense author I enjoy is Mary Higgins Clark. I read her “Where Are The Children?” when I was a kid and it scared me to death.

About once a month I go hit the local thrift store and pick up a slew of books for a quarter each. Last month I was pleased to find about 6 Higgins Clark books and I scooped em all up. One of the books was called, “Kitchen Privileges“. I didn’t realize it was her autobiography until I started reading it.

I looove this woman. I expected her to be such a macabre human being and she’s so down to earth and fun, especially considering all the tragedies she’s been through in her younger years.

So here I am in the bath reading, as that’s the only place I can be alone, and an excerpt from her book made me LOL, so I figured I’d share it.

Ms. Clark’s generation never had that heart to heart discussion about sex with their parents, it just wasn’t done. I guess it was expected to be taught at school, even back in the 40’s.

Mother told me the nuns would tell me anything I needed to know. When we were seniors, Mother St. Margaret locked the door of the classroom, looked out the window to make sure that Wilfred, the house eunuch, combination bus driver and general repair man, who lived over the carriage house, was nowhere within earshot. She then said that we were now sixteen and seventeen years of age and might be invited on dates.

Pray God, we thought.

“Sometimes the young man might be driving a car,” she continued.

Pray God again.

“Sometimes the car may be crowded, and you might have to sit on a young man’s lap.”

We shivered with hope.

“Therefore, young ladies, if the occasion ever arises that you might have to get into a crowded car with a young man, be sure to bring a pillow.”

She unlocked the door. My sole sex-education lesson was over.

This made me think of my own brush with sex ed for my 6 year old son when he came home from school asking some questions. I wrote about it in this thread and again, I’m too lazy to rewrite. The copy and paste feature makes me a happy gal.

When Graham was in 1st grade he came home from school and asked me what “hump” meant.

My initial reaction to those questions is to answer with a question first just to see where we’re at.

“Well what do you think it means?

There were these two lady bugs at school and they were on top of each other and the other kids said they were humping.

He’s in first grade here and I just wasn’t ready to go there yet and I had to gather my thoughts so I said to him.

“Maybe one was giving his friend a piggy-back ride?”

No mom, they were on top of each other wiggling.

Right then I knew he knew more than what he was letting on.

So I told him they were mating and that if you wanted to sound low class and tacky you would call it humping. I then told him mating is what almost all animals do, including humans to produce offspring.

He said even you and dad?

I said yes.

He said, that’s disgusting and walked away.

He’s almost 10 now and I’m pretty sure he has no recollection of this conversation. Looking back I prolly would have left myself and my husband out of the conversation. It makes me cringe a little.

The only memory of some sort of sex ed I had with my mom was when I asked her if the dog and I could have puppies together. She was repulsed and would not explain to me why she was so disgusted.

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35 Comments

  1. I was told there would be no math involved.

  2. “Well what do you think it means?

    That question alone has saved me from having to explain quite a few things the way I was thinking to explain it. It is amazing how children can ask some pretty serious questions.
    So when I learned of this phrase several years ago (from the exact same story-go figure)… I started to use it and found out that maybe I didn’t have to answer the question that I though was being asked.
    However, one day my oldest, who was only in kindergarden at the time, told me he learned the “F” word at school that day…. I asked him what it meant – innocently thinking he was going to say “fart” or “fugly”, but no he said the “F” word proudly. Trying not to look shocked, or even laugh for that matter….. I went to the saving grace question ~ “And what do you think that means?”

    His response: I know it has something to do with anger, because you only say it when your mad…….. What can you say after that?????

  3. Yeah, I’m not looking forward to these conversations yet.

  4. Actually you did great. Better than I would have I think.

  5. Hmmm I remember two stories:

    1) When in the first grade someone had spray-painted the F word on the brick wall of the school building. I went home and asked my daddy – and spelled out the letters of that word – what did that mean? His response was – Where did you hear that? I answered. He said it was a bad word and to NEVER repeat it. Enough said for me. When Daddy spoke, I listened.

    2) I was watching a movie, probably in 4th or 5th grade by now, and they said the word – whore. I again asked my daddy what that meant. He said “It’s a scary movie.” Bwahahahahaha. My mom heard him say that and called me into the other room and told me that a horror was a scary movie and then explained whore, although I don’t remember what she told me. We were both too busy laughing at him calling it a scary movie.

    Makes me miss him bunches.

  6. Kids should learn about sex the old-fashioned way. In prison.

  7. So I told him they were mating and that if you wanted to sound low class and tacky you would call it humping.

    Hey, wanna hump?

    when I asked her if the dog and I could have puppies together.

    Doggy style?

    ;o)>

  8. Ha.

    This reminds me of my mother having to explain to me what a blowjob was in the 7th grade. I thought it was something done to a car tire. And yes, when I found out that my bishop was taking his car into the shop to get the tires checked, I asked him if his car was getting a blowjob. Which required Mom to explain that night exactly what a blowjob was. Her explanation still gives me the giggles. My reaction to her stammering explanation: “Oh, it’s the same thing as going down on a guy. You mean oral sex.” Which thus began the inquisition into how much of my knowledge was heresay and how much was practical knowledge.

  9. Once on a cruise, there was a book in the library of leftovers from other passengers, there was The real Story of The Sound of Music. Who the hell knows why I thumbed through it.

    I found the woman who Julie Andres portrayed explaining how the Nuns sent her off to get married to the Baron, and then he had sex with her. She was horrified. She went back the convent, explained what he had done, expecting him to be arrested or something, only to discover that the Mother Superior knew that he would do it to her and she approved. She was horrified.

    She said that she eventually came to like sex, despite the initial feeling of having been assaulted in some way wholely new. That’s Old School Sex Ed for ya’. I don’t no why they dropped that scene from the musical.

  10. Rape is Old School Sex Ed?

    What a great defense…

    Your honor, I was trying to teach the bitch how to DO IT!

  11. heh. Mom worked for an OB/GYN back in the day, so I got a technical explanation of what went where. As a future biomedical engineer, I took it with aplomb.

    At least, that’s the way *I* remember it. She claims that when she explained what French kissing was, I was so disgusted that I burst into tears, sobbing that I never ever ever wanted to do that.

    Anyway, this is my favorite sex ed story.

  12. Kermieeeeeeeeee!

    OMG, you killed Kermie!

  13. CB: My heart aches for you.

    Mrs. Peel thank you for introducing me to that blogger. She’s a kick

    Prudie, you sounded just like Miss Piggy. um, no offense.

  14. I just had to have the sort of talk about what Viagra is to Nina…

  15. It’s cuz those damn commercials.

  16. Viagra. Heh. Reminds me of Rogaine – with Monoxodil!

    Back when they started advertising it, I had no clue what it was for, and everyone I asked assumed I was interested in it (but shy) so they would only tell how great it was, but you had to keep taking it for life, blah, blah. But they never told me what it was for. I could not find out!

    I finally asked a physician friend, and when he started the same crap, I grabbed him by the neck and screamed “WHAT THE FUCK IS IT USED FOR YOU DUMB SHIT!!!”

    And he said, “Oh. Receeding hair.”

    I never knew….

  17. My mom just told me that sex was laying on top of each other with all your clothes on.

    I didn’t even think sex required movement until I saw a porno in the 8th grade.

  18. I just had to have the sort of talk about what Viagra is to Nina…

    You should have said it’s a stupid song sung by a bunch of old geezers on TV -who ain’t got no lead in their pencils. And that that’s the kind of guy you want to avoid marrying.

  19. The kermit header is so how I imagine you. Sooooo my kid walked in on me and his dad a couple of years ago. He promptly ran out of the room and has never been back. He’s never asked about sex. He’s 10 now. If he does ever ask I’ll just remind him of that day haha.

  20. pjmomma, None taken. I ‘ve been channeling Piggy since I started the Warrior Diet.

    No easter candy for me until after supper? Hai – Yah!

  21. My daughter is 15. I tried explaining to her without getting crude – as it came up at the dinner table, with obvious hints and positions said BJer and BJee would be in of what a blow job was and it kept going over her head, bless her heart. My son, who is older and was sitting there the whole time snickering and blushing, sighed, got up and said gently, ‘Give it up mom’.

    I mean, I couldn’t just say ‘Monica sucked his weenie’ with her brother sitting there. My husband, who is very much the prude, would have fainted. I’m usually very blunt, which makes the son proclaim ‘God, mom!’, but failed miserably in this instance.

  22. Gah! I hope I don’t have to explain BJ’s to my kid. I’d be perfectly happy to never have to deal with that.

  23. Just tell her it’s just like when a woman eats a banana…only the banana is a dick.

    I mean, it’s simple, really…

  24. Er… I kinda didn’t want to be crude as my girl is a super sweet kid.
    ‘Monica used his unit as a popsicle’, sounds a bit better…. that visual truly makes me want to yak .
    I’ll have to ask her sans dinner table if she figured it out yet. I prefer she finds this stuff out from me.

  25. Abbadon has crudeness issues porknbean.

    He’s not allowed in public often.

  26. Cool. Does that mean we can poke sticks at him through the bars?

  27. Only if you sharpen them first. :)

  28. Just tell her it’s just like when a woman eats a banana…only the banana is a dick.

    Now you are just being foul. Gee, crossed anymore lines lately…?

  29. “Just tell her it’s just like when a woman eats a banana…only the banana is a dick.”

    That sounds both painful and permanent.

  30. That sounds both painful and permanent.

  31. Oh my hahaha that video is cute.

  32. I have crudeness issues?

    This from the gal who posts and comments over at the Hostages…

    I mean, do we really have to compare the motes again? Oh, that’s right, they don’t show nipples, they just crack jokes about vomit porn. That’s DIFFERENT…

    Who loves ya, PJM?

    ;o)>

    Oh yeah, I poke back, BTW. Every chance I get.

  33. Abbadon, I’m disappointed in you It took you this long to respond? sheesh

  34. Some of us have to work for a living…

    :oD>

  35. Where are the children was one of my favorite books when it came out. Scared the shit out of me.


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