Kids + Public Restrooms = A Crappy Experience

I hate shopping with my kids, they’re pretty good, but they’re still kids and it’s still exhausting. I generally try to get in and out as quickly as possible, save that one week our air conditioning was broken. We spent a lot of time in Wal-Mart and Target because apparently they do not fear the monthly electricity bill. They crank that air.

Hours upon hours each day that week was spent slowly walking up and down every single aisle, examining e-very-thing. To keep it interesting for the kids, I’d try to make it fun. “Oh wow, look at that screwdriver you guys. It’s handle is red AND blue.  Oh hey, look at the flower embroidered on the top of that toilet lid. How cool is that?”

I have the locations for every item in both stores memorized now. It’s good for the other customers in fact because I’ll hear them ask an employee where something is and as is standard, the employees have no clue, but I do. I’m ever so willing to help the customer out because I’ll do anything to talk to an adult. I’ve been known to even take little old ladies by the hand and lead them directly to the item. I still don’t know why security had to be called. Ingrates.

Anyhoo, on regular shopping trips when I have children with me, my goal is to get in and out as quickly as possible. I can tell this one’s going to be a successful venture. I’ve got everything I need and did not let anyone talk me into purchasing anything not on the list. I even did self check out because I know I’m faster than that old lady resurrected from the crypt who’s working the regular check-out line. We’re ready to bust out the door and I hear the death knell.

“Mommy, I have to go potty.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nothing is worse than taking them, all four of them, into a public restroom. Luckily Graham is old enough now to stay outside the door, but this wasn’t always the case.

Why can’t other stores follow Ikea’s lead and have the “toddler trapper”? Do they not realize by installing that simple little seat mom’s might stay in their stores hours longer? They’re fools! FOOLS I say!

“Can’t you hold it till we get home?”  “No mom, I’m not gonna make it” So, off to the bathroom we go.

This is an example of a typical public restroom stop for my little family

We wait till the largest stall is available. In go all 5 of us.

*Hold baby while trying to make sure the toilet is clean for my daughter                                                          

*using one hand , put toilet seat cover on

*seat cover falls in toilet

*put new seat cover on

*attempt to lift Madeleine on the toilet with one hand,  child accidentally knocks seat cover off

*pajama momma cursing under breath, possibly out loud too

*apply new seat cover and Madeleine successfully completes her mission

*decide I need to go as well

“Graham turn your head to the wall, mommy has to go too.”

*Squat to pee while still holding baby. Will not sit on seat no matter how many seat covers are on it.

“No Garren, you get off the floor. Quit peeking  into other stalls.” “Yes I know there are other people in here.”

“Madeleine, stay out of that box.”   “Yes, there’s yucky stuff in there.”  “What is it exactly?”   “They’re used mom band-aids, now close it back up.”

“Garren get off the freaking floor.”

“Graham I told you to stay turned around.” “I don’t care that you thought I was done.” “Do NOT turn around till I tell you to turn around.”

“Madeleine, do not open the door. I know you’re done, but I’m not, ok?”

The worst is when one of my children loudly announces. Eeewwwwww mom, did you hear that lady fart? All the kids start laughing. I even find it difficult not to laugh.