Kids + Public Restrooms = A Crappy Experience

I hate shopping with my kids, they’re pretty good, but they’re still kids and it’s still exhausting. I generally try to get in and out as quickly as possible, save that one week our air conditioning was broken. We spent a lot of time in Wal-Mart and Target because apparently they do not fear the monthly electricity bill. They crank that air.

Hours upon hours each day that week was spent slowly walking up and down every single aisle, examining e-very-thing. To keep it interesting for the kids, I’d try to make it fun. “Oh wow, look at that screwdriver you guys. It’s handle is red AND blue.  Oh hey, look at the flower embroidered on the top of that toilet lid. How cool is that?”

I have the locations for every item in both stores memorized now. It’s good for the other customers in fact because I’ll hear them ask an employee where something is and as is standard, the employees have no clue, but I do. I’m ever so willing to help the customer out because I’ll do anything to talk to an adult. I’ve been known to even take little old ladies by the hand and lead them directly to the item. I still don’t know why security had to be called. Ingrates.

Anyhoo, on regular shopping trips when I have children with me, my goal is to get in and out as quickly as possible. I can tell this one’s going to be a successful venture. I’ve got everything I need and did not let anyone talk me into purchasing anything not on the list. I even did self check out because I know I’m faster than that old lady resurrected from the crypt who’s working the regular check-out line. We’re ready to bust out the door and I hear the death knell.

“Mommy, I have to go potty.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nothing is worse than taking them, all four of them, into a public restroom. Luckily Graham is old enough now to stay outside the door, but this wasn’t always the case.

Why can’t other stores follow Ikea’s lead and have the “toddler trapper”? Do they not realize by installing that simple little seat mom’s might stay in their stores hours longer? They’re fools! FOOLS I say!

“Can’t you hold it till we get home?”  “No mom, I’m not gonna make it” So, off to the bathroom we go.

This is an example of a typical public restroom stop for my little family

We wait till the largest stall is available. In go all 5 of us.

*Hold baby while trying to make sure the toilet is clean for my daughter                                                          

*using one hand , put toilet seat cover on

*seat cover falls in toilet

*put new seat cover on

*attempt to lift Madeleine on the toilet with one hand,  child accidentally knocks seat cover off

*pajama momma cursing under breath, possibly out loud too

*apply new seat cover and Madeleine successfully completes her mission

*decide I need to go as well

“Graham turn your head to the wall, mommy has to go too.”

*Squat to pee while still holding baby. Will not sit on seat no matter how many seat covers are on it.

“No Garren, you get off the floor. Quit peeking  into other stalls.” “Yes I know there are other people in here.”

“Madeleine, stay out of that box.”   “Yes, there’s yucky stuff in there.”  “What is it exactly?”   “They’re used mom band-aids, now close it back up.”

“Garren get off the freaking floor.”

“Graham I told you to stay turned around.” “I don’t care that you thought I was done.” “Do NOT turn around till I tell you to turn around.”

“Madeleine, do not open the door. I know you’re done, but I’m not, ok?”

The worst is when one of my children loudly announces. Eeewwwwww mom, did you hear that lady fart? All the kids start laughing. I even find it difficult not to laugh.

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30 Comments

  1. pajama momma cursing under breath, possibly out loud too – I knew it. You wear your pajamas to Target and Walmart. Don’t you? Else you’d take on an alter-ego, like “pantsuit momma”, or “capri shorts and cute top momma”.

    If that loudly-announcing child of yours (the one who speaks up when someone farts in another stall) is a boy, he’ll fit right in with the men’s room crowd even when he’s fully grown.

  2. You wear your pajamas to Target and Walmart. Don’t you? Else you’d take on an alter-ego, like “pantsuit momma”, or “capri shorts and cute top momma”.

    HAHAHA! I am virtually sticking my tongue out at you!

  3. This post? Best. Ever.
    I was honestly laughing out loud. :D

    Umm… I’ve never seen the toddler trapper, that fully rules.

  4. BAHAHAHA! THAT’s good stuff.

    And public bathrooms — the WORST with kids. I literally HOLD mine over the toilet and tell her to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING. When we’re done, she says “shake me Mommy.” She already knows the meaning of drip dry.

  5. PJM – Very well done. Excellent writing. . . don’t let it happen again.

  6. “It’s used mom band-aids, now close it back up.”

    Ewww Gaawwwwwwwwwwd…..
    I love you so much Pjmomma. Sooo many memories I never wanted to revisit. Thank you for that…and thank goodness my son can hold his own penis now that he’s 14 and my daughter has learned the yogiastic skill of the ‘hover’. Basically everything up til last week when my son started holding his own penis…total blur.

  7. You know you’ve stumbled into a mommy blog when:

    All the posts are about baby crap or kids doing crappy in school.

    Why don’t you turn this into a MILF blog instead?

    Here, let me help:

    I generally try to get in and out as quickly as possible

    I generally prefer a slow, comfortable time of it.

    See, isn’t that more interesting? And yes, Felspar, I AM a pervert, so you don’t need to comment.

  8. I remember those days….
    the only thing that saved my sanity was having a kid potty in the back of the mini-van ( and only having one child). It helped on SO many “emergencies”. I hate public bathrooms. I couldn’t imagine being in charge of a small army like my sis.

    Great post PJM!

  9. Kare-kare – Hows by you, kiddo?

  10. Kare-kare – Hows by you, kiddo?

    I’ve been really good, and you? Not sure if my sis has told you what I’ve been up to?…fun, fun, fun! I made it over the wall! (ask PJM, she’ll tell ya or u can email me). Hope this comment finds you well.

  11. Now that The Little Princess is on her way to potty training, things are more interesting. Whenever I take her to the park, she always seems to have to go us the toilet. And it’s when she is hitting tennis balls at the court farthest away from the facilities. I certainly can’t use the ladies’ room, and most park toilets are now locked to prevent “Wide Stance Redux” from happening.

    Thankfully, one park we play tennis at has a men’s room that is clean and safe. Too bad it seems that every time I am helping her go, some 400lb slob has to take an Atomic Sh%t in the stall next to ours, while my daughter loudly proclaims to the world what that guy did.

    As for me, I just hold it when I have to go until I get home.

  12. PJM…Thanks for reminding me why God has not blessed me with anymore children. With adventures like that we would all be dead; I could not handle it.

    You’re my hero PJM.

    By the way I would be the one laughing at the person farting… have done that my whole life, the word just makes me laugh.

    What’s is funny about my son is the other day he realized it grows …lol

    His words half a sleep “WOW mommy it grows… its big” now that was funny!

    Kids say the funniest stuff at the most inappropriate times; but hey that’s what make us all keep on laughing.

  13. Kare-kare – Congratulations! Getting over the wall is now an accomplishment to be repeated at your leisure.

    *puts broken glass on top of wall surrounding the MCPO compound

  14. Its gotta be girl thing…
    I just never had this kind of trouble with Heir No. One or Heir No. Two. They know, you go in, you pee, you leave.

  15. Just wait til the oldest boy can go to the potty by himself. He’ll read such diddies as: “If your hose is short or your pressure’s weak, you better stand up close or you’ll piss on your feet.” Just sayin’.

  16. “Here I sit all broken-hearted. . .”

  17. Hey Kare-kare,

    Your cousin wants to know what your up to…I will be waiting.

    Assuming that PJM is your sis.

  18. tesco: you’re on your way to being me you know bwah haha hahahah
    I literally HOLD mine over the toilet mommypie? I thought you were a woman?
    MCPO: don’t let it happen again. Well that will be easy to do
    Abbadon: Why don’t you turn this into a MILF blog instead? I’m not even going to ask how to do that.
    kare kare: the only thing that saved my sanity was having a kid potty in the back of the mini-van I tried that, but unlike you, I’m a sloppy pig. I’d forget to rinse that thing out and it would get all hot in the car and……….
    eddiebear: I’m gonna have to say I don’t envy you. At the risk of sounding sexist, I’m claiming men’s restrooms are a tad nastier than women’s in general. Something about not making aim.
    Franny WoW: you know I love your name btw. What’s is funny about my son is the other day he realized it grows …lol
    Graham asked me how it “grew” and I explained to him that it was like a water balloon, how it’s limp, but when you fill it with water it grows. Same with his penis only it’s blood. That’s as far as I’ve gone with that discussion. God help me.
    BiW: your heirs never go #2? That must be uncomfortable
    Fishfearme: hahaha What age is appropriate for me to tell that one to my boys?
    And frannywow, yep, kare kare is my sis. she’s still whoring for extra cash, you know how she likes designer things and all.

  19. “I’d buy that for a dollar!”

    – RoboCop

  20. “I made it over the wall! ”

    Congrats, KKFF!! I knew you could do it.

    C3PO, I’m GLARing over your broken glass remark.

    Oh, and PJ, this was a great post!

  21. I’m not even going to ask how to do that.

    Is it so hard to figure out that you have to ask?

    Or do you need an explanation of the acronym “MILF”?? I bet you don’t…

    ;o)>

  22. Graham asked me how it “grew” and I explained to him that it was like a water balloon, how it’s limp, but when you fill it with water it grows. Same with his penis only it’s blood. That’s as far as I’ve gone with that discussion. God help me.

    Mental note ~ Above!~ what to say when my boys ask that same question….

    Sounds easy and honest. Love it.

    Also laughing hysterically, because I can visualize the story so well…..Been there, not at all happy to say “done that” but happy for the fact I only have 2, but it always felt like 10!!!!

  23. Yeah, but who is going to accompany me to the bathroom?

  24. Graham asked me how it “grew” and I explained to him that it was like a water balloon, how it’s limp, but when you fill it with water it grows. Same with his penis only it’s blood. That’s as far as I’ve gone with that discussion. God help me.

    Satan here –

    I don’t think He wants any part of that discussion. That’s why He invented Dad.

    And that’s why I invented pornography. That’s how most boys learn about sex. that and the neighbor’s wife.

    Bwahahahahahaha!

  25. PJM: It isn’t just the “aim” thing. It’s that guys sometimes seem more willing to drop the A-Bomb without regard for those around them, or who have to follow them.

    The idiots who share the office building where I work seem to take the toilet bowl as merely a suggestion when they have to go Code Brown.

  26. kare kare: the only thing that saved my sanity was having a kid potty in the back of the mini-van

    That was the best advice I got from PJM, but unlike her it worked for me! My trick was adding the gallon zip bag inside the bowl so that I could seal it immediately and dispose of it. I didn’t have to clean the stinken bowl each time. Of course we left zippy bags of pee and crap everywhere we went, but hey better then trying to keep you kids from touching it on the wall in a public bathroom. BRAVO with that idea!!!!!

    And Good Job on the Wall!!! I think we all missed your smart ass comments while you were busy going GI Jane on us!!!!

  27. Having two boys, it was easy when they had to go to the bathroom whist shopping, I just told them to go pee in the tires in the Automotive section.

    Viola! Problem solved!!

  28. “Standin’ at the crossroads, tried to flag a ride
    Whee-hee, I tried to flag a ride
    Didn’t nobody seem to know me, everybody pass me by

    Standin’ at the crossroads, risin’ sun goin’ down
    Standin’ at the crossroads baby, the risin’ sun goin’ down
    I believe to my soul now, po’ Bob is sinkin’ down”

    – Robert Johnson

  29. , I just told them to go pee in the tires in the Automotive section.

    HAHAHAHA! I’m actually jealous

  30. That was great. I feel it all the way. Even if you make sure they pee before you leave, something about them ensures that they have to do it again, once you’re in the store. You must write about when you go on road trips. AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!


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