My Furniture Ain’t Good Enough, Madeleine’s Gotta Make Her Own

When it’s raining (every summer afternoon in Florida) or it’s too dang hot, the kids have to keep themselves busy inside. I let them have free range, within reason, as long as they clean up after themselves and they don’t do anything that might put them in the hospital, because things like that really put a cramp in my day. Totally Annoying.

Sometimes they create a whole new living room.

I tried to figure out a way to trim the complete pig stye that surrounds the “new” living room out of the photo, but sadly I couldn’t do it without trimming heads. I just had to swallow my pride and show disaster house the way it is.

Sometimes, they like to create a whole new dining room. I prefer interior design as a way to get them to eat lettuce as opposed to watching Popeye, which makes them try to punch each other’s lights out to try out their newly acquired muscles. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I’ll do whatever it takes to get them to eat healthy and if knocking each other unconscious is what it takes, well…………

Sometimes they like to pretend they’re roasting marshmellows by the fire in the great outdoors. They even have a Garrenbush to accent the campground.

I like to pretend that I don’t get involved in or direct my kids play activites in any way because I don’t want to influence them or stifle their creativity, but the reality is, I’m just plain lazy.

Love Letters

It’s old, but I’m PMS and craving some serious carbs right now.

The Kennedy v. Louisiana Decision As Heard By A 10 Year Old

The radio blares the headline, “Child Rapists Will Not Receive The Death Penalty.”

Translated by my son who has never heard the word rape before.

“What? A child named Ravis was going to get the death penalty? He must have been a really bad kid.”

If My Kids Wanted An Organized Mother They Should Have Thought Of That Before They Were Born

My kids, like any other kid need to be exercised, pretty much like a pet does. They got ripped off the first part of summer because of my surgery. It’s only lately that I’ve been taking them to the local pool.

This local pool is actually about 40 min away because it’s the only one with a baby pool and this way I don’t have to get in the pool with Gavin. I have dissolvable stitches and told the kids my stomach would flop open and my guts would fall out if they got wet. What? It could be true, I don’t know.

I feel really bad for the kids being so bored. It just didn’t dawn on me that I would be incapacitated for so dang long, so I didn’t plan ahead for things to keep them busy. I have a couple girlfriends who enroll their kid in every single vacation bible school they can find regardless of religious affiliation. It’s free and they take your kids all day. I can’t bring myself to do that. We’ll see by the end of summer how crazy they’re driving me. I might be tempted to take them to live in a hippie commune by then.

Anyhoo, it took me a while to get motivated to take them yesterday. The pool’s open from 1-6 and we got there about 3. I had to stop and get a hat because it’s hotter than a mofo out there and I don’t need any more freckles. I also got the kids Chik-fil-A kids meals because I had a free coupon. There’s no way I could afford 4 kids’ meals without that coupon.

And this is how the day at the pool went.

arrive, lifeguard kindly brings me a chair so I can sit by the baby pool.

puts sunscreen on kids, sets up beach towels, makes sure everyone has their drinking water and puts their shoes over by me. puts swim pants on Gavin and sets everyone loose

kids hop into the pool.

lifeguard immediately blows whistle and says, “Alright, everybody out of the pool. Break time.”

15 minutes later lifeguard blows the whistle signaling free swim

everybody gets back in the pool

hour later lifeguard blows whistle break time

15 minutes later lifeguard blows the whistle signaling free swim

1 minute later the lifeguard blows the whistle

“Everybody out of the pool, lightning.”

I can’t wait till we can go to the beach.


Compare And Contrast

Two of my children’s reactions to my tummy tuck and my weight loss.

Garren: Are you going to shrink to be a baby? If you shrink to be a baby you will not be able to take care of us and we need you to take care of us. You do NOT shrink anymore.

And then there’s Madeleine: You still have fat there, there, there, there aaaaaaaand, there.

Course Madeleine has an even better story for me today. I’d been so swollen  that I was looking a bit like a pot bellied pig. I went to the doctor on Friday and he bound me so tight in my brace I could hardly breathe. It worked. My swelling has gone down and as of today, my stomach is nearly flat. Madeleine’s reaction was to tell me that it looks good except for my boobs. “Now they’re giant and they don’t match your tummy.” I’m ok with that.

I Apologize To My Children In Advance

Another good one from XBradTC

Please, Please, Please Come To My House

h/t XBradTC

I guess I AM a good liar!

I passed, I passed! I was extremely nervous about this test today, not because I have anything to hide, but more of the “unknown”. (i love how the guy getting tested is smoking)

My test was not a polygraph but CVSA (voice analyzer test). I did fail on a couple questions, the one that surprised me and the Detective was this..

Detective: Have you ever raped or forced someone to do sexual deviant acts.

Me: No

Machine: FAIL!!!!!

Wow!? Who knew? Certainly not me, nor my husband! Then the Detective proceeded to slide me his business card complete with hours he’s available 24/7 (kidding). I did retest on a couple questions and I passed. I’ve often wondered the accuracy of these tests…I read somewhere it’s a weird percentage of only 36 %, go figure?

I don’t care, you want to know why?….I PASSED! Whore-ray for me! -more to come.

Sweet, Sweet Embarrassment

pjdaddy hammers beer caps for the kids so they have little disks to throw, or pretend they’re money or whatever they do with them.

I’m at the doctor’s getting my bellybutton (not tummy) stitches and my drain out by the nurse and I hear Garren talking to the doctor.

Garren: You wanna see Garren’s money? (Garren only speaks in the third person)

Doctor: Oooohhhhh a Landshark Lager beer lid, how nice.

All I could do was laugh and then discuss with them how much better Corona with a lime is than their lager hoping it would distract them.

For People Who Laugh At Farts (not smelling them) As Much As I Do

Here you go San Diego Momma And Mommypie. :)

h/t mesablue who plays good games