Fundraisers Suck

Every year in elementary school we were required to sell chocolate bars to raise money for school. These were not just any chocolate bars, they were, the “World’s Finest” chocolate bars. And they weren’t the single size they are today. They were double-wides. One giant chocolate bar wrapped and ready for my consumption to sell.

We never made money with these fundraisers, well the school did, but my family actually lost money. Scott was a kid in my class who sold so many boxes, he beat out the entire school every year. At the award ceremony I was so jealous seeing him on stage getting the biggest, best toy out there. I’d get a consolation Frisbee. There was no way for me to compete. His parents took the bars to their place of business and sold boxes upon boxes. My mother, much like I am today, had no desire to take me door to door to offload these burdens. So there the box would sit…….torturing me.

I had no recourse but to eat them myself. I would often go to my brother’s room for solitude. He had a captain’s bed with a great little hiding place underneath. I would go to his cassette collection, put on some Simon and Garfunkel and Blondie, maybe even some E.L.O. and just chill. This is where I went took my chocolate bounty. I tore the wrappers off each bar and downed them like I hadn’t eaten in years.

I never understood Charlie, the boy in the chocolate factory movie. What was his deal? He slowly, painstakingly opened his bars and took teeny tiny bites. He savored it. He made that thing last forever. He even shared! What’s wrong with that boy? Eat the damn bar.

Anyhoo, I sat under his bed and over the course of several days, devoured all 30 bars. Each day I took coins from my brother’s water jug bank to pay for the bars, stuffing them in the little cash envelope intended for paper money and checks.

On the third day of this money thieving, chocolate feeding frenzy, brother came home from school and that obsessive compulsive freak noticed coin the level in his water jug was considerably lower. Sheesh. What a spaz. Actually, I’m surprised it took him that long.

I didn’t have to confess, they knew it was me. They zeroed in on me like a Smart Bomb on Al-Qaida. I hand my mother the envelope busted open with coins falling out everywhere, even covering the bottom of the empty box of chocolates. What? What’s the problem? I ate the chocolate and was doing the right thing by paying for it. Nevermind the fact that it wasn’t my chocolate or my money.

I was stone cold busted. I’m pretty sure I had to do chores to pay back the money, but mom usually forgot to enforce my punishments. Or, decided it was more of a chore for her to punish me by getting me to work off a debt. Funny thing is, mom didn’t learn her lesson, I did the same thing the next year. I know, I know, I’m the one that was supposed to learn the lesson, but come on. Putting chocolate in front of me is like putting beer in front of an alcoholic. Maybe they should have had an, “Intervention” for me.

I hope my kids don’t ever have to sell them, I don’t know if I could resist.

Advertisements

26 Comments

  1. You – Me have same problem but mine was with…other stuff. I was my own best customer. Who gave a shit? I was having a good time…

    :oD>

    Yes, there was an intervention of sorts, nineteen years and counting ago.

  2. You – Me have same problem but mine was with…other stuff.

    Other stuff?….Let’s go through the items we’ve sold at school
    Sweet Tarts
    Beef Jerky
    Cookie Dough (ughh!)
    Wrapping paper
    Discount Cards
    Candles
    Coupon Books

    If I had to guess Abbie…I bet it was the Wrapping paper that did you in!

  3. Man, you guys must have gone to Sweetness and Light High.

    :oD>

  4. Who the HELL is jebediahhosanah???

  5. Abbadon you fool, you are not the only one who reads my blog. I think my mom does too.

  6. Yep .. as a kid I devoured several boxes of chocolates that my folks had to turn around and pay for. They didnt get to sample what they paid for.

  7. I hate it,
    My Niece and Nephews hit me up for $$, I get hit at work, and at Publix, and everywhere I go.

  8. When the little rugrats knock on my door, I just tell ’em I’m a diabetic.

  9. I get hit at work,

    How’s the wife feel about that?

    PJM: That was Gravatar fucking with me, not your mom fucking with you.

  10. We Just stood outside a store last week to fundraise, had the baseball kids hold out their hats, didn’t give any candy, just a thank you and actually made $400 in 2 hours, not bad, of course we had the hottest moms standing with their kids. Who could resist the kids, all they wanted to do was play allstars.

    Later on that night all the moms went to celebrate and went to happy hour of course:)

  11. My mom had the same problem with the chocolate bars my sister had to sell. The only thing was it wasn’t me or my sister who ate the chocolate my mom had to pay for. I took them to school so I could make friends with this girl in my class. It worked like a charm!!!!

    I’d get a consolation Frisbee.
    too bad they don’t give those out anymore, have you seen the crap you get for selling, what I would consider a reasonable amount? A ring pop!!!! Give them frisbees at least it something that wont be gone in 2 seconds.

  12. I totaly agree, just like the crap they give ourt at schools just to please all.

  13. If you sell a box, you should receive a signed, Jaguars game jersey. Then you could send it to me.

  14. Go Chargers!!!!
    Sorry MCPO ~ love my Chargers even when they suck!!!!

  15. Hellfire – I’m surrounded by Pittsburgh fans so, I take every opportunity to wear my Jags stuff!! :^)

  16. Hellfire – I’m surrounded by Pittsburgh fans so, I take every opportunity to wear my Jags stuff!! :^)

    Good boy!!!! I can’t stand the band wagon fans!!! I do cheer for the Jags, unless they are going up against the Chargers… Then I have to stay true to my hometown.

  17. oh shoot did it again, doggone italics!!!!

  18. We Just stood outside a store last week to fundraise, had the baseball kids hold out their hats,

    That sounds like a fabulous fundraiser!!!! If I were at that store, I would have donated something, and you know pan handlers make a pretty penny!!!! At least it’s going to something productive. I really like that as a fundraiser, at least for baseball i think it works wonderfully! No fuss, no Muss!!!!

  19. WoW Hellfire, WE are totaly shocked by your gracious comment

    Thank you

    Sincerely

    JGM

  20. Oh shoot, I forgot the smartass remark, and I hope this doesn’t put me in moderation again, because I am just being silly………

    Later on that night all the moms went to celebrate and went to happy hour of course:)

    ~so long as you didn’t spend as much as they earned….. Great Fundraiser!

  21. Fuck you bitch, I truly was paying you a complement

  22. so long as you didn’t spend as much as they earned…..

    Naw. the moms probably earned more than the kids on cardates in the bar parking lot…

  23. Naw. the moms probably earned more than the kids on cardates in the bar parking lot…

    Oh, come on now ~ that just isn’t right…….

    Abbadon, don’t mix your pretend fundraisers with the innocent fundraisers that are done for schools and sports.

  24. Abbadon

    Most probably right, maybe your wife could do it pretty well, unlike you im not slime.

    Love ya bitch

  25. FFS, have you no sense of humour, HF and JGM?

  26. Fuck you bitch, I truly was paying you a complement

    My sister had no idea I was going to make this comment..I am speaking for myself and for the others that enjoy coming here.

    Jaygeemon: I am so sick of your crass behavior. As of now you have brought nothing to this blog. Please go away.

    Hellfire: Please stop acting like you are innocent. I get it that someone knows how to push your buttons but it takes two to play this game.

    I think my sister was pretty clear on the post “ok enough”…did you guys even read it? When you act like this it’s very telling that you don’t respect this blog. Go find a chat room!


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI