Either Light Blogging For A While, Or Some Seriously Doped Up Blogging With Possibly Humiliating Results

Yep, I will be on drugs for the next week. Hopefully some good ones.

I’m tapping out. I’ve had my last child and I’ve decided to get myself a tummy tuck. Sometime tomorrow I will be knocked out cold, I will be a lifeless hunk of meat having my muscles sewn back together.  It seems my abdominal walls have separated after four kids and they just ain’t coming back together.

I hired a personal trainer for four months (going 4 days a week with her and cardio 7 days a week) last year and became extremely strong, but was unhappy because my stomach was just not getting the results I wanted, so I gave up. And then for various reasons I packed on some pounds this past winter.

Anyhoo, I checked out a plastic surgeon for the tuck and he told me I had diastasis recti. (that is not me in the photo) Most often this abdominal wall separation can be fixed by exercise, but I was not so lucky. I’ve lost 25 lbs since January this year, now only 20 and plan to go hardcore again after the tuck. Oh yeah and having  my abdominal walls put back together is supposed to be good for my lower back and I’ll go down a few dress sizes as well as being a flat belly girl again. sweet

Sometime tomorrow I’m going to be in pain. I freaking hate pain. I will want to cry. I won’t. Only emotional stuff does that to me. Pain makes me curse like a drunken sailor, you should see me during labor. I have a reputation. I actually have a reputation for two things during labor. They think I’m funny and I cuss. I had a nurse come in one time and say to me, “rumor has it out on the floor you’re really funny. So, say something funny.” Yeah lady, I can be real funny when approached like that.

Any of you guys want to volunteer to come over and empty my stent? Just joshin’. My mommy’s flying out tonight to help me with this. Thank you mummy. I know you’ll enjoy smacking me upside the head while I’m helpless for everything I put you through the past 35 years.

Oh and you know what? I’m going to get a completely new belly button. Isn’t that a trippy thought? He’s gonna pull my skin down and poke a hole in a new spot and create a bellybutton. So I will not have that little mole next to my bellybutton anymore. *sigh. I really liked my old bellybutton. I wonder if the hole for my belly button ring will be gone, or will it be moved down closer to my hoo hah? (no I will not get the new one pierced) I guess that’s where my little mole will go too. No, that can’t work cuz they’ll have to get rid of that old bellybutton hole. Oh this is weird. What if I get a blood clot because I’m not moving around enough and it kills me? Then I’ll leave my children motherless because I was vain. Gah!

I need to stop thinking about this. I swear I haven’t started my drugs yet.

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41 Comments

  1. You will be fine. We’re all pulling for you out here. Now, go outside and have your panic attack. . . you’ll feel much better afterwards.

  2. i don’t know about the rest of you, but I can’t wait ’til she blogs ON DRUGS.

    PJ, luv you and will be praying for you. But especially praying for your poor mother.

  3. Good luck, especially for your mother.

  4. I keed. I keed.

  5. Get better soon. And please blog drugged. That would be really interesting.

  6. I recall some post-knee vicodin and vodka blogging.

    Well, I recall people telling me about it. Apparently I thought “bubbles” was a really funny word.

  7. May you have a speedy and relatively pain free recovery.
    And watch out mixing alcohol with Vicodan, it can really make you walk funny. (but when you fall down you don’t feel it)

  8. Good luck, PJM!
    Don’t joke around with the surgeons. They don’t always like that.

  9. I’m also for the drug blogging. Fun!!! (This is assuming you can type fairly decently on the drugs. We may end up with posts that look like this: Ghja dsfk poop ldfjn kill child kljv dammit!!1111 hurts1!!1!!! Still, that would be fun, too.)

    And it’s not a vanity surgery if it makes your life better. I think I speak for most women when I write, a smaller belly can make life wonderfully better.

  10. Be good. Don’t make the surgeon laugh. He may jab something important.

  11. Good Lucky PJM!

  12. When my husband had surgery about six weeks ago, a friend who’s a surgical nurse said to ask the anesthesiologist how many people he’s killed recently. Then he thought for a second, and said that might not be a good idea – if the anesthesiologist is not good, he might get grumpy, and a grumpy anesthesiologist is not a happy thing. Obviously.

    The doc also gave him a prescription for Halcyon so he could sleep the night before teh surgery.

  13. Good luck sweet thing!

  14. My fear is those anesthesiologists who are addicted to the pain medicine. They short change me on the pain killer, but I’m paralyzed so I feel feaking everything during the procedure, but I can’t move to tell anyone.

    *can’t breathe
    *panic

  15. My ex-wife’s husband is a gas-passer. He also owns 3 homes and 3 Mercedes. . . want a referral?

  16. Ring my friend, I said you call Doctor Robyn
    Day or night she’ll be there any time at all, Doctor Robyn
    Doctor Robyn, you’re a new and better man,
    She helps you to understand
    She does everything he can, Doctor Robyn

  17. Doctor Robert, Dude.

  18. Abbadon – Yeah, I know. You missed the advert/comment by the “parenting expert”.

  19. Oh, well, never mind. I thought it was a misheard lyric like “‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy”.

  20. Good luck pjm! I will live vicariously though you. After having a couple of 9 pounders, my abdominal wall separated big time. If I lay down, I can tickle my intestines….just kidding, but I can feel the split. Guess I should start those sit-ups before I get old and constipated.
    Surgery gives me the willies, so I will resort to flesh colored duct tape.

  21. though = through

  22. “Hold me closer, Tony Danza”
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  23. That was my wife’s biggest issue with getting her cans.. she was so worried she was gonna die on the operation table and the kids would hate her for putting her vanity above them.
    Didn’t stop her though :P

    Good luck

  24. Prescription pain medication is too sweet and rare to waste on pain. Take my advice: Ibuprofen will do the job just fine. Save the good stuff for lazy Sundays.

    I’ve never liked my navel. I can’t work out how to keep it clean. I’d love a new one. Will you show us it?

    Good luck!

  25. I wonder what a weasel’s bellybutton looks like?

  26. Thinking of you today!! Can you have them put your old belly button in a jar and send it to me?
    Definitely blog drugged. I want to see if there’s a difference…loveyou!

  27. Weasel, maybe you need to buy one of those bottle scrubbers.

  28. My sister had the exact same thing done about 5 years ago. I hate her! Her belly is flat, and you would never guess she delivered a 10.5 lb kid (she’s 5’2″ ~ 115lbs). She also had her belly button redone and you would never know.

    Best of luck and enjoy the drugs. Just remember with eery percoset, take a correctol!

  29. with eery percoset, take a correctol!

    I wonder if they have Correctol for grammar??

  30. I wonder if they have Correctol for grammar??

    Easy, son, that’s my wife, a novice commenter, to whom you’re addressing your petty pedantry. And if you’re going to be pedantic, get it right – it was a typo, not a grammatical error. And you might as well strive for a higher form of humor while you’re at it: Correctol being a laxative, you are suggesting that she spew forth grammar, not correct it.

  31. And if you’re going to be pedantic, get it right – it was a typo, not a grammatical error.

    Quite right, it was late in the day. so we both erred.

    And you might as well strive for a higher form of humor while you’re at it: Correctol being a laxative, you are suggesting that she spew forth grammar, not correct it

    It was a play on the word Correctol, Mr. Smartypants.

  32. It was a play on the word Correctol, Mr. Smartypants.

    Exactly my point.

  33. And one ought not to use two question marks in succession.

    Welcome, Mrs. Geoff! Hope to see you around the blogs more!

  34. “I’ve got to admit it’s getting better (Better)
    A little better all the time (It can’t get more worse)
    I have to admit it’s getting better (Better)
    It’s getting better since you’ve been mine

    Me used to be angry young man
    Me hiding me head in the sand
    You gave me the word, I finally heard
    I’m doing the best that I can”

    – John Lennon/Paul McCartney

  35. Hi mrs. geoff. very nice to see you on the blogs. thanks for stopping by and thanks for the advice

    sweasel- yep,i’ll be showing the new bellybutton off when i can take the bandages off. i’m dying to see.

    this is a pic of the bruise on my bootie, i have a matching one on the other cheek. http://thewickedpinto.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/bootie.jpg

    a 10 pounder porknbean? you are my idol

    hooligans, i’m sorry but i already agreed to give my bellybutton to a bb fetishists group. don’t even want to know what they’re gonna do with it

    yep tesco, my vanity got the best of me

  36. And one ought not to use two question marks in succession.

    Why the fuck not??

  37. BTW, thanks for the pic, Abbadon. It’s awesome.

    I’ll have to make the pilgrimage down to SLC someday.

  38. Because it looks like it’s written by an ignorant internet junkie, is why.

    I have a client of a client (both in Mexico, writing in Spanish) who, when she asks a questions, follows it with 5 question marks. What’s even more annoying is that there are no corresponding five upside-down question marks at the beginning of the statement, just the one. Be consistent, woman! In any case, doesn’t look professional.

    But then I use capitalization and proper punctuation (not to mention spelling out words completely) when I text or chat.

  39. Because it looks like it’s written by an ignorant internet junkie, is why.

    Aw, thanks, man. i think there’s a compliment in there somewhere.

    doesn’t look professional.

    IO agree. i don’t write contracts and proposals that way. Blogging, on the other hand, doesn’t make me money like my profession does, so WGAF???

    LOL ;oD>

    But then I use capitalization and proper punctuation (not to mention spelling out words completely) when I text or chat.

    I don’t text (and when are we going to start shooting the motherfuckers who tie up trraffic texting while driving???

    See, now I wouldn’t write to a client and call him a motherfucker, either. Just my ex-partner…

  40. Does “traffic” have one “r” or two?

  41. BTW, thanks for the pic, Abbadon. It’s awesome.

    Oh, yeah, you’re quite welcome. SLC is kind of a pit of a city surrounded by refineries in the middle of the sphincter of Utah. But the architecture in Temple Square is beautiful. If you go, go in the wintertime. the mountains surrounding SLC look spectacular then.


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