Conspiracy Theorist Hippy Granola Chick On The Loose

I really wish I knew where my cell phone is because it has a camera on it. I wanted to take a picture of Garren hiding under a chair in the doctor’s office because he didn’t want to get his preschool shots.

I couldn’t use my regular pediatrician as they were booked out for months, so I had to use the one I use for quickie appt. This is where my hippy granola roots and conspiracy theorist personality kick in. I love my regular doctor because she’s a holistic health practitioner as well as a reguarly trained physician. This combo is nice because she’s not quick to just drug up my kids, but will if it turns out to be necessary. And she knows us, so she doesn’t asked invasive none of her business questions.

I don’t get my kids their shots as infants because I don’t like the idea of pumping all that crap into new babies. They have to get a boatload of shots before they’re two, but if you wait till they’re four, for some reason the amount of shots required is significantally lower. I’ve done this with all my kids and they’ve been fine. My other problem is they’re constantly adding new shots to the requirements. When is it too much?  Gavin the 2 year old has only had the shots that are given when they’re born.

I’d like to stress that my kids don’t go to daycare, so they’re not being exposed to all sorts of stuff. If my kids went to daycare, they’d be immunized sooner.

I call to make Garren’s appt. and cringe because I get the tongue cluck and I can picture them shaking their heads as they exclaim to me in utter astonishment, “He hasn’t had all his shots yet?”  It has happened with the older two kids as well. Oh I know, I’m the evil mom. The quack that must live in a hippy commune and only lives on lettuce and water.

I didn’t tell Garren he was getting a shot or two, just told him he was going to the doctor. No need to traumatize him till they actually whip out the needle. Everything was going fine, except big mouth sister had to spill the beans right as we walked into the building. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Garren, you know you’re getting a shot.

Madeleine! Be quiet! I didn’t want Garren to know yet.

Here Madeleine tries to make up for it.

Um, but it doesn’t hurt Garren. It’s like a mosquito bite.

Madeleine! Just stop!

It went downhill from there on out. 

Garren doesn’t want to get a shot. Garren doesn’t need a shot. Garren is not sick.

Garren only speaks in the 3rd person.

It will be fine Garren, let’s just talk to the doctor.

I’m always a little bit bugged by some of the questions they ask. If you want to give him a physical that’s fine, but some of your questions are a bit out of line in my book. Again, prolly my conspiracy paranoia coming out. At other checkups I’ve had a doctor ask my son whether there was alchohol or guns in my home. Not.their.business. When they ask questions like that I sit very still and wonder whether anyone will announce that Garren has been able to open mommy’s beers all by himself since he was 3.

I suppose, one could say, well if I had nothing to hide, what’s the big deal? I don’t know. There’s just something about government over-involvement that brings out the libertarian in me. I’ve seen too many cases where people, however well meaning, got involved and ruined families because of a mistaken idea about a family. Yes, I’ve probably watched too much CourtTV in my time.

At this appt. she asked Garren if he was a good boy.

Yes, Garren’s a good boy.

Then she asked what mommy does for Garren if he’s a good boy. He doesn’t really understand the question.

Garren is a good boy!

This next question is what got my hackles up.

What does mommy do if Garren is a bad boy?

Here’s where I panic. Is he going to tell her about the long hours in the cage in that one closet? Is he going to talk about the bed of nails he has to sleep on every night? The fact that he has no toys and is forced to use dirt as his only form of entertainment? For the love of God, what’s he going to say?

Apparently, this question annoyed him because he’d already answered her the first time and he answered, quite exascerbated with her stupidity.

Garren.is.a.good.boy!

Obviously if he’s a good boy, then he’s not a bad boy, right? Garren was not going to be fooled by this trick question. I’m bugged that she asked the question. In my mind, she was trying to find out if he got spanked or anything. But come on lady, you’ve looked at his entire body from head to toe. Aside from a few bruises on his shins, he has no other cuts, scratches or dents. He’s not shrinking in fear from her touch and he’s not shy and is talking animatedly about how his big brother Graham pays Garren to buy Garren’s computer time from him. Hear the jingle in his pockets? And the other kids that are with me are behaving the same way.

Apparently she was satisfied. She said, the nurse will be in to give the shots.

My stomach drops. I flippin’ hate this part.

Garren decides to hide under a chair because he’s not going to get a shot.

Garren, mommy will get you a treat if you are a good boy with your shots.

Garren doesn’t want a treat.

The nurse comes in, coaxes him out of the chair and administers 3 shots without a single tear.

On the way out the door we hit the treasure box and Garren got himself a parachute guy. Then onto Mickey D’s for an ice cream cone.

Mom, can Garren go to the doctors and get hurt again so he can get another parachute guy?

Uh, no son.

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