Conspiracy Theorist Hippy Granola Chick On The Loose

I really wish I knew where my cell phone is because it has a camera on it. I wanted to take a picture of Garren hiding under a chair in the doctor’s office because he didn’t want to get his preschool shots.

I couldn’t use my regular pediatrician as they were booked out for months, so I had to use the one I use for quickie appt. This is where my hippy granola roots and conspiracy theorist personality kick in. I love my regular doctor because she’s a holistic health practitioner as well as a reguarly trained physician. This combo is nice because she’s not quick to just drug up my kids, but will if it turns out to be necessary. And she knows us, so she doesn’t asked invasive none of her business questions.

I don’t get my kids their shots as infants because I don’t like the idea of pumping all that crap into new babies. They have to get a boatload of shots before they’re two, but if you wait till they’re four, for some reason the amount of shots required is significantally lower. I’ve done this with all my kids and they’ve been fine. My other problem is they’re constantly adding new shots to the requirements. When is it too much?  Gavin the 2 year old has only had the shots that are given when they’re born.

I’d like to stress that my kids don’t go to daycare, so they’re not being exposed to all sorts of stuff. If my kids went to daycare, they’d be immunized sooner.

I call to make Garren’s appt. and cringe because I get the tongue cluck and I can picture them shaking their heads as they exclaim to me in utter astonishment, “He hasn’t had all his shots yet?”  It has happened with the older two kids as well. Oh I know, I’m the evil mom. The quack that must live in a hippy commune and only lives on lettuce and water.

I didn’t tell Garren he was getting a shot or two, just told him he was going to the doctor. No need to traumatize him till they actually whip out the needle. Everything was going fine, except big mouth sister had to spill the beans right as we walked into the building. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Garren, you know you’re getting a shot.

Madeleine! Be quiet! I didn’t want Garren to know yet.

Here Madeleine tries to make up for it.

Um, but it doesn’t hurt Garren. It’s like a mosquito bite.

Madeleine! Just stop!

It went downhill from there on out. 

Garren doesn’t want to get a shot. Garren doesn’t need a shot. Garren is not sick.

Garren only speaks in the 3rd person.

It will be fine Garren, let’s just talk to the doctor.

I’m always a little bit bugged by some of the questions they ask. If you want to give him a physical that’s fine, but some of your questions are a bit out of line in my book. Again, prolly my conspiracy paranoia coming out. At other checkups I’ve had a doctor ask my son whether there was alchohol or guns in my home. When they ask questions like that I sit very still and wonder whether anyone will announce that Garren has been able to open mommy’s beers all by himself since he was 3.

I suppose, one could say, well if I had nothing to hide, what’s the big deal? I don’t know. There’s just something about government over-involvement that brings out the libertarian in me. I’ve seen too many cases where people, however well meaning, got involved and ruined families because of a mistaken idea about a family. Yes, I’ve probably watched too much CourtTV in my time.

At this appt. she asked Garren if he was a good boy.

Yes, Garren’s a good boy.

Then she asked what mommy does for Garren if he’s a good boy. He doesn’t really understand the question.

Garren is a good boy!

This next question is what got my hackles up.

What does mommy do if Garren is a bad boy?

Here’s where I panic. Is he going to tell her about the long hours in the cage in that one closet? Is he going to talk about the bed of nails he has to sleep on every night? The fact that he has no toys and is forced to use dirt as his only form of entertainment? For the love of God, what’s he going to say?

Apparently, this question annoyed him because he’d already answered her the first time and he answered, quite exascerbated with her stupidity.!

Obviously if he’s a good boy, then he’s not a bad boy, right? Garren was not going to be fooled by this trick question. I’m bugged that she asked the question. In my mind, she was trying to find out if he got spanked or anything. But come on lady, you’ve looked at his entire body from head to toe. Aside from a few bruises on his shins, he has no other cuts, scratches or dents. He’s not shrinking in fear from her touch and he’s not shy and is talking animatedly about how his big brother Graham pays Garren to buy Garren’s computer time from him. Hear the jingle in his pockets? And the other kids that are with me are behaving the same way.

Apparently she was satisfied. She said, the nurse will be in to give the shots.

My stomach drops. I flippin’ hate this part.

Garren decides to hide under a chair because he’s not going to get a shot.

Garren, mommy will get you a treat if you are a good boy with your shots.

Garren doesn’t want a treat.

The nurse comes in, coaxes him out of the chair and administers 3 shots without a single tear.

On the way out the door we hit the treasure box and Garren got himself a parachute guy. Then onto Mickey D’s for an ice cream cone.

Mom, can Garren go to the doctors and get hurt again so he can get another parachute guy?

Uh, no son.


  1. I think the proper response in that situtation is to scream quite loudly, “Bitch! You ain’t a cop!” and proceed to slap her across the face.

    Or maybe a simple “Nun’ya fuckin’ business” would suffice.

  2. Hah, nunnya’s one of my favorite sayings.

    *as they handcuff me

  3. I’m in agreement with Will on this one.

    The problem with not filling your kid in on the fact that he’s getting poked with a big scary needle prior to going to the doctor is, eventually he will figure out that the doctor sometimes equals shots, and then he’ll start having a tantrum, screaming, “NO!!!! I DOAN WANNA GO TO THE DOCTOR!!! I DOAN WANNA SHOT!!!!!” even if you’re just going in because he has a sore throat and you want to make sure it’s not strep, and he won’t calm down long enough for you to tell him that THIS doctor’s visit doesn’t involve big scary needles. But soon enough he’ll figure out that if it doesn’t involve big scary needles, it probably involves Q-tips shoved down his throat and will pitch a fit over that too.

  4. I would have shot bnack “What does doctor do when hubby’s a bad boy? Oh, whips and chains? Spiky insertions? Not my business? WELL NEITHER IS WHAT YOU’RE FISHING FOR, BEEYOTCH!!”

    Sure, I got people skills…

  5. How come my doctor always asks if I have suicidal thoughts, but never asks if I have homocidal thoughts?

  6. A couple years back when I was in college, I went into the student health office to have them take a look at my shoulder. I injured it many years back, but never had anything done to correct the problem. Whenever I start to do any serious upper body exercise, it flares up and stops me dead in my tracks.

    Now, I’ve always been a skinny bastard (6′-2″ 135 at the beginning of college). I was wondering if there was anything they could do to fix the shoulder so I could keep going with a good workout routine and bulk up a little. Instead of helping me with the problem, they kept asking me why I wanted to bulk up.

    They seemed hell-bent on proving I had some kind of body-image issues beyond knowing I was on the unhealthy side of skinny. Never went back to see those pricks.

    “Hey assholes. I’m not one of the hundreds of anorexic and bulimic sorority whores you see coming through here everyday looking to become dangerously thin. Get off my nuts.”

  7. My brother Kevin, was so bad about shots. I know he broke off at least one needle in his arm. Our family GP was an elderly man and, eventually, asked my parents to take him to another doctor.

    As to the probing questions; Is there a local ordinance or state law that requires this type of inquiry when treating children for routine issues? Does there have to be some other evidence of maltreatment to be there prior to asking them? Is delaying vaccinations until the child’s immune system is established considered maltreatment in Florida?

    BTW – I agree that the vaccination cocktails given at such an early age isn’t such a grand idea.

  8. The probing questions come from the AMA and the whatever the pediatrics professional society is. The think it is important from a “public health” point. They ask everyone these things. They’ve decided it is preventative medicine to screen for risks like guns, alcohol and possible mistreatment of children. To some small extent, it is litigation prevention as well, if there’s an issue with the child later, they can show they were screening for that.

  9. Our pediatrician asked the same sort of questions, though not if the kids were good or bad and what happens if they are bad. He apologized and said that they were required to ask them and give recommendations if say, there was a gun at home – is it safely stored since kids are monkeys and snoop, or if they wore bicycle helmets and why they should since he has treated brain injured kids who didn’t.

    My irritation came in when year after year, same questions and then more added as they became teenagers…such as condom use/drugs/friends. Yeah, yeah, we told him about protecting himself in the event he decided to ignore our warnings and threats of physical harm. How about emotional and long term issues? How about shame? How about showing pictures of what festering pustules on pee pees look like?

    It irritates because after all of these years, he should know which families deserve more of that type of instruction and scrutiny.

    And there is not a darned thing wrong with dirt as entertainment. What kid does not like a huge pile of dirt?

  10. I have never ever ever had a physician ask me questions, or my children, questions like that which I think are completely out of line. If anyone dared to “go there” they’d see the back of me quicker than they could write the check for their next BMW payment.

    This is one of the reasons I continue to take the imp to the ped she has had since birth, even though we moved some fifity miles away.

    Invasive questions ONLY have a place during a routine visit if said questions are warranted. Sheesh!

  11. Alice H- maybe I should just smack my kids upside the head everytime we go to the doctor’s and that will knock the thought of a shot right out of their head? Plus, I think the doctor would be pleased as punch to see how affectionate and loving I am.

    Abbadon- you’re brilliant. Next time pjdaddy and I want to go on vacation I will do that and viola, no need for a babysitter for that week because CPS will gladly take them for me.

    Will- prozac might help with your eating disorder.

    MCPO- I was the same way with shots. I was always so jealous of this neighbor girl because her doctor would prescribe oral antibiotics and mine always gave a shot in the ass. It was such an ordeal for my mom. They spent hours trying to give me a shot and I was a wild one. I remember getting a scratch across my entire rear end from the needle. I can get away with delaying my shots for the kids because some people don’t vaccinate their kids at all, so they claim religious exemption or something like that. If my kids were in daycare I would be pressured to vaccinate. When I had my first kid I didn’t want to vaccinate at all, but with the illegal aliens from all countries possibly bringing stuff over, I changed my tune.

    porknbean- yeah, from now on I’m just going to stick to my kids’ regular pediatrician. She’s so incrediby perfect. Such a gentle soul. And even though I’m a chick, she’s one of those people that is sooo beautiful that your mouth drops open just looking at her. I crack up because the first time I’d ever gone there, I didn’t know what she looked like, but I noticed an incredible amount of dad’s in the waiting room and I thought that was odd. Then I knew why. And um yeah, she doesn’t ask nosy questions.

    Auds- exactly, these questions were in no way warranted I just wonder if it’s because I didn’t have them regularly vaccinated and that bothers the zealots, you know?

  12. They’d take your kids from you for playing the viola???

  13. hahahaha, well it looked like I spelled it right dammit!

  14. They DO NOT ask those questions!
    They DO?

    Next time, ask her if she cries in her Lean Cuisine single entree every night.

    What the hell?

  15. I love our pediatrician but I find they ask those same darn questions. The last time I took Brodey, he had some cat scratches and one rugburn on his back….I know, I know you’re thinking “rugburn? -what the hell?” He was wrestling with his big brother and got pulled by his foot and voila! A lovely rugburn on my 7yr old.
    I thought nothing of it until his check up….
    Doctor: Wow, how did you get these on your back?
    My son: I don’t know
    Me: wanting to crawl in a hole…, doc my son is not abused!

  16. You just had to show me up by spelling voila right, bitch.

    SDMomma- I don’t have Kaiser here, but I did in San Diego, if you have it, prepare to get those questions.

  17. You’re son sounds so cute!

    Y’know, I think I’m afraid to have kids now if doctors are going to be so nosy.

    I hate this encroachment on others’ autonomy.

    But I also hate that there are people out there that make such questions-asking important.

  18. It sure is scary when you never know what words or behaviour kids are going to bring on in front of medical professionals – and somehow it always reflects badly on you as a parent.
    My middle son had chronic and major health issues as a small child and we spent a lot of time around doctors – many of whom didn’t have any idea how to relate to children – which is kinda freaky if they are specialising in pediatrics.
    One of my worst experiences was when my small son actually kicked a surgeon in front of a group of health professionals who had met to discuss his future.
    Sooooo embarrasssing!

  19. You’re son sounds so cute!

    “Speaking of grammar and spelling and the like, isn’t this the guy that got on my ass for using multiple question marks???


  20. Ding ding ding!

    You won the test, Abbadon, to see who’d notice my obviously intentional mistake!

    PS: Two superfluous question marks and superfluous double quotation marks (unless you forgot to close them, in which you’re missing double quotation marks). Just sayin’.

  21. shonajb- hahaha, that sucks! you poor thing. I’m waiting for something like that to happen to me.

    abbadon- you have to understand muslihoon, his goal is to be the most hated commenter through pure, I think the word is “snark”?

  22. Indeedy.

  23. The quotation mark was an accidental key strike I didn’t notice when I hit the submit button.

    What’s a “double quotation mark”???????????????????????????????????????????

  24. <iWhat’s a “double quotation mark”???????????????????????????????????????????


  25. Correct use of double quotation marks. A few too many question marks, though.

    But you use my methodology, which is good but not correct by British standards (because they’re double quotation marks) or American standards (because they’re before rather than after the punctuation mark).

    Nevertheless, thanks for using The Musli New Grammar Convention for the Placement of Quotation Marks with Regard to Other Terminal Punctuation Marks.

  26. But you use my methodology, which is good but not correct by British standards (because they’re double quotation marks) or American standards (because they’re before rather than after the punctuation mark).

    I do some interesting grammatical things because I was schooled partly in Europe.

    Interesting that you caught that. I still spell humour with a u, for example.

  27. Interesting that you caught that.

    It’s a pet peeve of mine. Neither the British style nor the American style makes sense because they tend to treat all quotation marks (single or double, respectively) as the same whereas I believe context is important. When used as part of a direct quote, the quotation mark(s) should go after the punctuation mark for the quote, but it makes no sense for this to happen if the quotation marks are used around a strange word, for example.

    He said, “Take this to the cleaners!” (Rather than: He said, “Take this to the cleaners”!)
    He liked the “hamentaschen”. (Rather than: He liked the “hamentaschen.”)

    I find it amazing how worked up grammarians (myself included) can become about such picayune issues, though.

    You spell “humor” with an extra “u”? Don’t you know this irresponsible use of extra letters contributes to Global Warmening? For shame!

  28. Hey, ever read Eats, Shoots and Leaves?

  29. Yes, and I love that book! It’s one of my favorite books!

    What did you think of it?

  30. Abbadon:

    I posted this over at another blog but thought I would post it here for your amusement:
    I realized how lazy the French are. Y’know that funny hat (known technically as a “caret” or “circumflex”) some French letters have? It’s a substitute for “s”, which first the French were too lazy to write, then too lazy to say:
    “Feste” -> “fête”
    “Hostel” -> “hôtel”
    “Paste” -> “pâté”
    “Forest” -> “forêt”
    “Estre” (from “to be” in many Romance languages) -> “être”

  31. Mais, oui, je connais bien l’accent circonflexe et son usage.

  32. Oui oui, mais bien sur…mais le French are so lazy! Why did they have to axe a perfectly good “s”?

  33. That is awesome. I too am a holistic mommy. I treat my kids with homeopathy and my doctor is a holistic doctor/family practitioner as well. Kudos to you for holding off on immunizations!!

  34. Why did they have to axe a perfectly good “s”?

    Je n’ai aucune idee…

  35. Hey, pj, I did see this entry not long after you posted it. I didn’t comment because so many of your fans had already covered what I would have said.

    We share your philosophy of not over-injecting kids. I’m astounded, on the one hand, by the miracles of inoculation. Those of us who’ve never watched someone die of smallpox or go limp from polio cannot imagine what a relief those breakthroughs were.

    At the same time, using a needle to get past all the body’s natural defenses gives me pause. We’d better be damn sure we know what we’re doing and be damn careful about it. I think our medical profession’s gotten too comfortable with the idea.

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