Puppies, Maggots and Snakes Oh My!

I work one day a week at my local gym. It’s good for me because it saves me the cost of my membership every month and I get a couple extra bucks spending cash.

I was hired to torture kids in the gym’s Kid’s Club. Garren, my four year old has found himself a friend there.  We’ll call him “Little D” unless his momma “Mrs. D” tells me it’s ok to use his name.

Now Garren having a friend means one thing to him and another thing to me. To him, he’s found himself a kindred spirit, to me, I need to clean my freaking house so I can have them over for a playdate. All right, I’ll admit it, Mrs. D is pretty cool to hang with too.

I asked pjdaddy to get my floor scrubber out of the garage for me so I can attempt to clean up the joint. Ok gnarly. Apparently this thing hasn’t been used in a while. My bad. Guess I’ll have to take it outside and hose it off. Know what comes out of things that have been stored in the garage for a long time?

^ THOSE! Those come out of your scrubber when you hose it off. Here in Florida they’re called, “Palmetto Bugs”. Palmetto Bugs my ass, those are roaches! COCKroaches. hhhhhmmmm, cock, that’s interesting, but I digress.

I got control of myself and I dealt with it. I finished cleaning that baby because I want to make my house all nice and purty.

I leave the scrubber outside to dry and come in and attempt to recover emotionally……….that is until Garren tells me there’s a worm on the floor.

A worm? That’s weird. Worms are icky, but I can deal with that. After stumbling upon, “The Nest”, I can handle anything, or so I thought. It wasn’t a worm on my floor. It was this:

Ok, there’s a possibility the maggot might not have been that big, but at the time, it sure seemed like it.

Gah. How the HELL am I supposed to clean that up? I do not want to get a papertowel and have that thing within a micromillimeter of my skin. {{{SHUDDER}}}

I scan the living room for ideas of what to do and that’s when I saw it………..my dear sweet puppy brought a little gift into the house.

A.Maggot.Infested.Snake.Carcass.

OMFG!

How am I supposed to get rid of that? I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t call the police with all the shrieking I was doing. Hey, wait a minute, now that I think about it, I’m going to go yell at the neighbors for not calling the police!

^ This man could have been raping me! It would have been just awful. Don’t………….stop! Don’t…..stop! Ok, don’t stop.

Sorry, I had to slip a palate cleanser in there before I went on, now back to the snake. *sigh

I had no freaking idea how I was going to get that out of the house. I opened the back sliding glass door and the puppy decided to help me out. She picked that snake right back up and bounced out of the house, shaking maggots out the whole way.

I come back in the living room to survey the damage. There’s a good 10 of them on my living room floor. FUCK! Seriously, FUCK! This is just waaay too nasty. What the heck? Why does pjdaddy have to work? I need him for this.  I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and sucked them up.

I’m still debating whether or not to set the vacuum on fire.

Luckily, although not for Garren, “Little D” and his family have gone out of town for a month. This means I have a little more time to clean my bug infested home prior to any play dates.

“Mrs. D” however, found this little ditty in the Skymall magazine on her flight out and emailed it to me:

A bug vacuum.

Oh man, I know how to mow the lawn, I’ve got my little toy *cough, all I need is that bug vacuum and a jar opener and pjdaddy’s gonna be obsolete.

30 Comments

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI