Puppies, Maggots and Snakes Oh My!

I work one day a week at my local gym. It’s good for me because it saves me the cost of my membership every month and I get a couple extra bucks spending cash.

I was hired to torture kids in the gym’s Kid’s Club. Garren, my four year old has found himself a friend there.  We’ll call him “Little D” unless his momma “Mrs. D” tells me it’s ok to use his name.

Now Garren having a friend means one thing to him and another thing to me. To him, he’s found himself a kindred spirit, to me, I need to clean my freaking house so I can have them over for a playdate. All right, I’ll admit it, Mrs. D is pretty cool to hang with too.

I asked pjdaddy to get my floor scrubber out of the garage for me so I can attempt to clean up the joint. Ok gnarly. Apparently this thing hasn’t been used in a while. My bad. Guess I’ll have to take it outside and hose it off. Know what comes out of things that have been stored in the garage for a long time?

^ THOSE! Those come out of your scrubber when you hose it off. Here in Florida they’re called, “Palmetto Bugs”. Palmetto Bugs my ass, those are roaches! COCKroaches. hhhhhmmmm, cock, that’s interesting, but I digress.

I got control of myself and I dealt with it. I finished cleaning that baby because I want to make my house all nice and purty.

I leave the scrubber outside to dry and come in and attempt to recover emotionally……….that is until Garren tells me there’s a worm on the floor.

A worm? That’s weird. Worms are icky, but I can deal with that. After stumbling upon, “The Nest”, I can handle anything, or so I thought. It wasn’t a worm on my floor. It was this:

Ok, there’s a possibility the maggot might not have been that big, but at the time, it sure seemed like it.

Gah. How the HELL am I supposed to clean that up? I do not want to get a papertowel and have that thing within a micromillimeter of my skin. {{{SHUDDER}}}

I scan the living room for ideas of what to do and that’s when I saw it………..my dear sweet puppy brought a little gift into the house.



How am I supposed to get rid of that? I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t call the police with all the shrieking I was doing. Hey, wait a minute, now that I think about it, I’m going to go yell at the neighbors for not calling the police!

^ This man could have been raping me! It would have been just awful. Don’t………….stop! Don’t…..stop! Ok, don’t stop.

Sorry, I had to slip a palate cleanser in there before I went on, now back to the snake. *sigh

I had no freaking idea how I was going to get that out of the house. I opened the back sliding glass door and the puppy decided to help me out. She picked that snake right back up and bounced out of the house, shaking maggots out the whole way.

I come back in the living room to survey the damage. There’s a good 10 of them on my living room floor. FUCK! Seriously, FUCK! This is just waaay too nasty. What the heck? Why does pjdaddy have to work? I need him for this.  I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and sucked them up.

I’m still debating whether or not to set the vacuum on fire.

Luckily, although not for Garren, “Little D” and his family have gone out of town for a month. This means I have a little more time to clean my bug infested home prior to any play dates.

“Mrs. D” however, found this little ditty in the Skymall magazine on her flight out and emailed it to me:

A bug vacuum.

Oh man, I know how to mow the lawn, I’ve got my little toy *cough, all I need is that bug vacuum and a jar opener and pjdaddy’s gonna be obsolete.


  1. big ass maggot?

    I’d hate to see the ass it came from…


    • why do you say “ass” it came from lmao…………. im almost positive it wouldnt come from “ANY” type of ass….. human or animal………… lokks more like some type of a large fruit maggot…… hahahahahaha unless you KNOW about “asses and maggots” on a more personal level??????????????

  2. If Garren is big enough to identify a worm, he is big enough to pick it up and flush it.

    Gerard Butler can come plunder….er, visit me, only if he scars his face, grows his beard, and puts back on the Spartan gear.

  3. Oh yuck. Sounds as though you handled the situation admirably though!

  4. Abbadon- I’m thinking somewhere in the San Francisco area. ;)

    porknbean- hahaha, there’s no way I’m making a 4 year old do that.

    Shannon- I’ve reverted to thumb sucking

  5. I almost puked when I saw that maggot.
    Where was the warning, surrounded by millions of stars in bold font?? WHERE???

  6. That’s disgusting. It reminds me of hiking in the Santa Cruz mountains where you can encounter tons of banana slugs. They’re just as big!

  7. Four years old is the perfect time for a boy to do bug duty. If pjdaddy was there, he would have done it for you, so why not train pjlittleboy. If you don’t want him to touch maggot skin, then give him a Clorox wipe to do it.

    Did you know maggots are beneficial, and not just in getting rid of carcasses? Indians would use them to clean out infected wounds. They (maggots) eat the damaged/rotted tissue and leave when their bidness is done. I hear it tickles. I can tolerate the tought of them from that angle.

    Now leeches, they have medical benefits too. But, ew. Brrrrrrrr……..

  8. tought = thought

  9. talea- bwaha haha hahaha, I’m so sorry! There’s something just so wrong with me in the fact that I find humor in terrorizing people.

    dadshouse- remind me not to go hiking with you

    porknbeasn- {{{SHUDDER}}} I’m not going to sleep well tonight.

  10. I.Hate.All.Bugs.

    Okay, this is almost as bad as a big hairy spider post. Ick, ick, ick. Nightmares!!

    Every time I begin to entertain the idea of camping or hiking (thanks Dadshouse), I envision all these creepy, crawling critters touching me and I just lose all nerve. The great outdoors, my a**!

    Did I mention I am not very fond of bugs?

  11. I’m willing to bet that if there were nothing else to eat, you would change your mind about bugs.

  12. Ha ha ha!!! This post is freakin’ hilarious!!

    My kids stumbled across a rat in my backyard yesterday. The thing was just sitting there, still breathing, but just sitting there.

    He’s still sitting there today. He’s dead and I guess I have to dispose of him. Sheesh.

    You’re too funny girl!

  13. I find humor in terrorizing people.
    Google “clock spider” and have a good ‘ole time.

  14. CB- I’m afraid you’d FAIL! on Survivor

    T- eeesh, rats are icky too. I’d freak
    Will- ok, those are just gnarly

  15. I’m willing to bet that if there were nothing else to eat, you would change your mind about bugs.

    um, no.
    also I think there is something terribly wrong with Andrew Zimmern

  16. Here ya go porknbean….you’re friends have some talent. Enjoy. :)

  17. When I lived in Jax, I refused to think of palmetto bugs as roaches. Otherwise, their size would have freaked me out. Maggots don’t bother me – good source of protein if you’re in a tight spot.

  18. Eww…that toilet grossed me out more than the roaches.

  19. Bugs? What are they? Oh, yeah. Like the time heir no one and I camped at Mt. Rainier, and I saw a mosquito for the first time since I left Michigan.

  20. That is exactly why I refuse to clean my house!!!

  21. Am far to traumatized to leave a coherent comment.

    Adding another reason on my list of reasons NOT to move to Florida! BUGS! Big effing bugs at that!

  22. Oh. Ma. GAH.

    DUDE. You always get me when I’m EATING.


  23. Kare-Kare – The main thing wrong with Andrew Zimmern is the way he can’t even eat a piece of toast without making very disgusting mouth noises. I can only imagine how disgusting he sounds eating a maggot of any magnitude. He smacks his lips together and makes sloshing noises the whole time and I finally gave up watching him because of it.

    PJMomma – I gotta admit. I’m not so much into the bugs. It sort of amazes me that people will reach down with just a papertowel and pinch some bug goodness right between their fingers with no mind to any matter of bug-insides that might be seeping through the papertowel and slowly saturating their skin. Not into it.


  24. pork- the toilet was really freaking bad. It had my gag reflex goin in overdrive

    BiW- you don’t have mosquitoes where you are? I freaking hate taking the dogs out to the bathroom because I get eaten alive every. single. night

    april- I think I should go on strike

    auds- palmetto’s are the gnarliest thing I”d ever seen in my life. Good thing about them, is if you see one, it’s not like roaches where you know it means there’s 80 gajillion in hiding……or is that just with mice? Bad thing? They don’t scatter when you turn the lights on, they flip you the bird.

    mommypie- you need to quit eating like this

    random- that paper towel visual is just what I wanted to avoid. I have to wrap my hand in 14 layers of papertowel before I pick them up and then that “pop” that the bugs make when you squish them? ick

  25. …Only 10 maggots? That’s it? O_o

    They’re just maggots. They move slow… much slower than cockroaches lol. I’d just grab em, chuck em out, and then watch my hands with soap.

  26. Thanks. That was really helpful.

  27. I found your blog while searching Google Images for a worm that I JUST pulled out of my cat’s side. Fuck Google Images because I may never sleep again. Just kidding! I’ve had 4 vodkas and some Benadryl so I’m totally gonna sleep fine. Totally NOT going to forget those images though. Hi. I’m crazy.

  28. Hi there to all, how is the whole thing, I
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