I Am Going To Kill Whoever Opened The Bag Inside The Cereal Box This Morning

This is not an actual photo of what happened after I poured my daughter a bowl of cereal from the poorly opened box of non-frosted corn flakes this morning. (see how good a mom I am? non –frosted, please forget about the four Dum-Dum lollipops each of them have already eaten today)  I would be thrilled if my kitchen was this clean.

I’ve actually toyed with the idea of getting a  Roomba. How cool would that be? I would just lie on the couch  (hah, I can never realistically do that because as soon as I lay down, there’s always some kid jumping on me) and let the Roomba do all the work.

All the dog hair and food crumbs would magically disappear and I wouldn’t have to lift a finger. I would paint my nails. I would read a book. I would put my swim suit on and soak up the sunshine in my backyard. I almost couldn’t write that little ditty right there without cracking the heck up.

Realistically what would happen is the Roomba would alternate between having the dog attack it and getting held up on a toy or piece clothing that just couldn’t make it to the toy box or laundry basket. @#$% is up with that? Why can the laundry make it to the outside of the laundry basket, just not in? How much extra energy needs to be expended to take it that next step?

I can’t wait till I’m grown up and can afford a weekly maid service, instead of the twice a year before my mother in law comes to town service.

*sigh

And I suppose I could also just pay attention to how the cereal box was opened before I poured it. I despise simple solutions

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How To Traumatize A Four Year Old

I’m going to hell. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200. That’s all there is to it, I am going straight to hell.  Never, ever, ever, ever, ever watch a youtube video around your kids w/out having viewed it first. Did I mention, never ever? I know this. I can’t believe I did it anyways, it just looked so harmless. We were watching, “Charlie the Unicorn” which they love, and the bad video we watched was from the same guy.

I’m the type of mom who doesn’t even watch the evening news if my children are around. When I was a kid, it was the world news at 6 o’clock anchored by Dan Rather followed by the local news at 6:30. Who would have thought watching the news would be so terrifying?  I remember laying in my bed at night unable to sleep as my imagination took over and the news of the day haunted me. I was certain I was going to be kidnapped (yep, the Adam Walsh story did that to me), or that an airplane was going to crash into my house and wipe out my entire neighborhood.  Course back then I prolly didn’t care about the neighbors, I was just worried about my own demise. Screw the neighbors.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the years of therapy Garren is going to require now because we watched this stupid video. Granted I turned it off when I realized what was going on, but it was too late. The damage had been done. I’ve tried to convince him that……….well, I’ll just let you watch the video. Just remember, he’s at the age where he’s unable to distinguish between a cartoon and real people. I’m still going to marry Speed Racer.

Ahhhhhhh, A Holiday Weekend And Mom Sleeps In

Shah, as if.

I’ve always had this naive little fantasy that if I let my kids stay up late, they’ll sleep in the next day. Nope, they still wake up at 7, but they also wake up grouchy and annoying.

I was in such a deep sleep this morning. Oh, so, cozy, prolly even dreaming before my nightmare began. The nightmare of the morning process.

Garren enters room: Mom can you change the channel? It’s Yo Gabba Gabba and I want to watch Spongebob

Madeleine: No! I want to watch Yo Gabba Gabba

Ok, Garren since Yo Gabba Gabba was already on we have to finish it and then you can watch Spongebob.

I hate Yo Gabba Gabba!

Too damn bad. It’s already on, so deal.

*sweet, I still got to stay in bed to solve that one

Graham enters room: Hey mom!

ugh

Graham: Remember that tooth I lost the other day? Well look, this tooth is loose now too!

Oh, gee, wow Graham that’s great. Now let me sleep.

*closes eyes to attempt sleep

Madeleine enters room: Mom, you know that cartoon we were just watching? There was girl in there named Madison.

Oh wow, how cool. That’s very similar to Madeleine isn’t it? Now go away so I can sleep.

Gavin enters room: Gaykin…….mom (Gavin doesn’t quite get that speed is the key to putting a sentence together, he still has a pause between each word.  translation: Can I have some bacon mom?)

Grrrrrrrrrrrr! There’s no weasling out of this one, I have to get up

Hears Garren at the dining room table: Oh Garren’s hungry for a bowl of cereal. His tummy is growling. (I forgot to mention Garren only speaks in the 3rd person)

I get up, notice Gavin has a diaper that needs to be changed. (ok I lied, Madeleine told me it needed to be changed) I change it, make the gaykin and a bowl of cereal and I talk to no one because I don’t want to fully wake myself up. I deal the goods out and hop back into bed.

Graham enters room: Mom can I have a bowl of cereal?

Sure Graham, go ahead, make one.

I’m thinking muther fucker! Why are you asking me if  you can have a bowl of cereal? Just make it and eat the damn thing.

Madeleine enters room: Mom can I have a pancake with marshmellows cut up on top. (she’s always trying to think of different toppings for her pancakes)

At this point I don’t care, I just want to be left alone. If she had asked for the entire bag of marshemellows I prolly would have let her. I’m so glad she didn’t.

Garren enters room: Mom, can I play your computer?

Ok, I give up. I quit.  Final Score:  Kids – 4  Mom- 0

Madeleine enters room: Mom can I just have a marshmellow and no pancake?

Madeleine, why don’t you guys bug your dad for anything in the morning? Seriously why?

Because he would say no.

I get it now. I’ve been labeled. I’m the pushover.

 

(and before any of you get started with your, well back in the day, I had to milk the cow myself to get milk for my cereal, I just want to tell you that you can bugger off)

If My Kids Wanted An Organized Mother They Should Have Thought Of That Before They Were Born

My kids, like any other kid need to be exercised, pretty much like a pet does. They got ripped off the first part of summer because of my surgery. It’s only lately that I’ve been taking them to the local pool.

This local pool is actually about 40 min away because it’s the only one with a baby pool and this way I don’t have to get in the pool with Gavin. I have dissolvable stitches and told the kids my stomach would flop open and my guts would fall out if they got wet. What? It could be true, I don’t know.

I feel really bad for the kids being so bored. It just didn’t dawn on me that I would be incapacitated for so dang long, so I didn’t plan ahead for things to keep them busy. I have a couple girlfriends who enroll their kid in every single vacation bible school they can find regardless of religious affiliation. It’s free and they take your kids all day. I can’t bring myself to do that. We’ll see by the end of summer how crazy they’re driving me. I might be tempted to take them to live in a hippie commune by then.

Anyhoo, it took me a while to get motivated to take them yesterday. The pool’s open from 1-6 and we got there about 3. I had to stop and get a hat because it’s hotter than a mofo out there and I don’t need any more freckles. I also got the kids Chik-fil-A kids meals because I had a free coupon. There’s no way I could afford 4 kids’ meals without that coupon.

And this is how the day at the pool went.

arrive, lifeguard kindly brings me a chair so I can sit by the baby pool.

puts sunscreen on kids, sets up beach towels, makes sure everyone has their drinking water and puts their shoes over by me. puts swim pants on Gavin and sets everyone loose

kids hop into the pool.

lifeguard immediately blows whistle and says, “Alright, everybody out of the pool. Break time.”

15 minutes later lifeguard blows the whistle signaling free swim

everybody gets back in the pool

hour later lifeguard blows whistle break time

15 minutes later lifeguard blows the whistle signaling free swim

1 minute later the lifeguard blows the whistle

“Everybody out of the pool, lightning.”

I can’t wait till we can go to the beach.

 

I met PJM’s Doc…should we be concerned?

bitchface and kare-kare, but mostly kare-kare cuz she’s the real bitchface

There’s a cockroach by my bedroom door

Interesting, it wasn’t there before

Giggles from another room

I wait, revenge won’t come too soon

I knock at the offender’s door

In goes the cockroach, much to her horror

The scope of my sister’s revenge I did not know

Until in my room, 1000 ladybugs did show

Those muther-effers bite

ladybugs

Sometimes The Dress-up Box Gets On My Nerves

*Garren: Mom I can’t find my “Credible” ( Incredible Hulk) costume.

*Me: Ok, I’ll help you look for it. Honey I can’t find it, how bout this costume? It’s mommy’s “Box of Wine” costume from last Halloween.

*Garren: No, I want my “Credible” costume.

*Me: Ugh, fine.

My kids don’t just play dress-up, they play the, “How many costumes can we get mom to help us put on and take off before she gets annoyed” game. I must have put on 80 gajillion costumes yesterday.

I thought I was doing good, seriously, I was patient for a loooong time. And then it gets to the point where I’m like, NO! Pay attention this foot goes in here! NO! Look at me, not the TV. Pay attention to where your foot is going, that’s the wrong hole again! For the love of God man, you’re just like your father……that’s not the right hole! (they’ll forget I made that comment by the time they understand what it means…..right?)

All right mom, time to redirect.

Ok guys, mommy’s gonna put a movie in, you guys can keep the costumes you have on, but I’m not putting anymore on for you. That’s the deal.

*few minutes later

“Mom can you take my costume off?” I told you I wasn’t going to do that for you anymore. “But I have to go to the bathroom” Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The left is my living room on any given Monday morning. The right? Monday afternoon. That green blob on the couch is an unconscious alligator child. I had to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart and duct tape his snout shut so he wouldn’t bite me. I saw them do that on Animal Planet once.