The Littlest Health Guru

As most of you know, my family has ALWAYS been fascinated with alternative medicine and holistic health.We were quite poor and in the hopes of avoiding a costly doctor’s appt, my mom got the book, “back to eden”. This book is stuffed full of herbal medicinal recipes.

While I was choking down the slippery elm bark/golden seal/myrrh gum concoctions in the hopes of avoiding a penicillin shot to the butt, the neighbor girl was bragging about the bubble gum, or cherry, or grape flavored medicine she had and I invariably wound up nursing a sore buttock.

Somehow, when I got all growed up, I continued to have an interest in holistic health. I don’t put my kids thru the same concoctions, but when I lived in Florida, I was fortunate enough to find a pediatrician that was also a holistic health practitioner. She prescribed pharmaceuticals as a last resort.

Anyhoo, my dad has always been more into the holistic scene than my mother and has recently started a new kick. Now that we’re back in California and living with my parents I don’t have access to that kind of doctor with my HMO, I do, however, get to enjoy the benefits of my dad’s countless hours on the ‘net researching which stuff is best.

He and I were discussing various supplements yesterday and where we could acquire them when Gavin, my 3 year old decided to add to the discussion:

Gavin: You need to go to the doctor for those.

me: Oh you do?

Gavin: Yes, I read about it years ago.

gavin fair1

gavin at the home and garden show at the san diego county fair

I Get To Do A Room Make-Over! Woot! Woot!

My 6 year old daughter Madeleine decided she wanted to get rid of all her toys and only have art type stuff in her room. She really wants to be a clothes designer when she grows up.

Now I have a clean slate for Madeleine’s room. She absolutely wants NOTHING princess. That’s too baby-ish for her. She recently had to get  braces and a palate expander.

 

This is akin to a medieval torture device, but she thinks it makes her look like a teenager and she so desperately wants to be one. Cuz it’s cool, you know.

I decided to go to the craft store to pick up some fabric to make a bedspread for her. The pattern requires the width of the material to be 45″ wide or more. Did you know the sumbitch manufacturers are shaving off the width of the material? I did not know this (course my sewing teacher told us about this, but I didn’t think it could be that bad, WRONG!). I bought all the material, preshrunk it and it turned out to be BARELY 41 inches. This sucks.

She wanted a Bratz themed bedroom and with ever so gentle prodding from me,   *cough,  I convinced her to have her room chocolate and hot pink. Ok, I admit it, I begged. Bratz dolls look like little hookers. I tried  to tell Madeleine they didn’t dress appropriately because their guts were hanging out.

In real life people can’t wear the clothes the Bratz dolls can. Most people’s bodies don’t look like a Bratz doll, they look like this:

COMPLETE AND TOTAL AWARENESS REGARDING BODY SIZE AND WHAT LOOKS GOOD ON ONE’S BODY FAIL!!!

I made the mistake of trying to tell Madeleine that girls who dress like that look naughty. 

Naughty? Naughty how?  What do they do?

Crap, fatal mistake. There’s no way in heck I was going to say they look like hookers or sluts because there’s no way in heck I was going to explain to Madeleine what those were.

Um, nevermind. It’s just not a very good look.

*prays this look will be out of style before Madeleine becomes a teenager, cuz she’s so not dressing like that

Man I get distracted easily, so anyhoo, Madeleine and I compromised. I’d make her bedspread hot pink on one side and chocolate brown on the other with brown and pink pillows and a brown bedskirt and I would put Bratz appliques on the pillows. Madeleine suggested her walls be painted chocolate brown with a wide pink stripe down the middle and two thin stripes on either side. Yes, she thought of that on her own.

But the whole idea got blown thru the roof because of cheap manufacturers. It has to be at least 44inches wide so there’s no seam in the middle of her bed. Luckily I was able to take the fabric back because I hadn’t cut it. So Madeleine and I went hunting for new fabric for her bed. We could not find the right size pink and brown, so we had to settle for a new design idea.

Ya know how hard it is to find fabric 45″ wide anymore? VERY FREAKING HARD!

After about a half hour looking at fabric, this was a Joann’s Super Store, so there’s a lot to look at, she finally found the one she wants.

 “That’s it! It’s very adult-ish I want this and a zebra striped bedskirt

Adult-ish? bwahaha hahaha haha, awwwww, so cute.

Turns out fabric is 44 inches wide. Perfect enough. I take it home wash it and lay it on her bed and read the words on it. “Vogue” Exquisite” “Lovely” “Treschic” “Teasing” “Glamorous”……wait, rewind…..TEASING? Teasing? Are ya serious? At first I thought it said texting which is just as bad, but teasing? Why on earth would they put that on that fabric. I mean, I know it’s “adultish” and all but teasing? The whores win again. Might as well send Madeleine to school in a pair of shorts with the word, “hottie” across her bum.

There’s a word after the word “Teasing” but it’s covered by a “little black dress”. Please someone tell me “teasing” is part of some sort of French fashion phrase my ignorant little self doesn’t know about?

So this is her “before” room………there’s no after yet, just got the material last night.

Her room is so tiny it was too hard to get a full shot of the closet and door from inside the room.

When my good internet friend lauraw found out about Madeleine wanting to only have “designing” stuff in her room, she sent Madeleine a big ole box of fabric bits and notions and beads, buttons and bobbles. The coolest box of goodies a girl that’s into that kind of stuff could ever want. Madeleine has no toys now, only the stuff from lauraw and her Bratz fashion head.

My intention is to put a drafting/craft table to the right of her little storage thingy. I saw this on craig’s list and I want it, but can’t seem to talk the chick down any. My girlfriend Mrs. D sent me this picture from Ikea that looks pretty awesome as well.

Mrs. D also suggested a zebra rug. Faux of course.

Any decorating ideas and suggestions will be gladly taken and secretly scoffed at. No seriously, anyone have ideas go for it. I love the help.

Ahhhh, A Relaxing Hobby

I figured with all the crazy going on in my life lately, I needed to do something just for me.  I wanted to take a class. A class that didn’t require studying, or tests or term papers.

Something that was relaxing. Something stress free. I got myself the “adult learning” flier from the library to see what I could find. Maybe some sort of knitting or sewing class?

Once back in the day, I got myself the, “Learn to Knit” guide, video included. I got my knitting needles, my yarn and I started the video. They presented the first stitch. I could not do it. I rewound the video and tried again. I could not do it. I rewound the video again….finally after doing this several times, pjdaddy exclaimed, “For the love of God! Give me those needles and I’ll show you the stupid stitch!”

I gave up on the idea of making anything from “Vogue Knitting” and went about my life.

Until.last.week.

The adult learning center flier said it had crochet classes. I sooo signed up.  I didn’t really know much about crochet, but it had to be similar to knitting, right? I mean they both use yarn and a needle, or two, but this time I’d have a real teacher.

Oh man, this is gonna be great. I’m going to be able to crochet myself some blankets for those long winter nights in north Florida when the avg temperature gets down to like, 44 degrees or something. brrrrrr!

I got my yarn, I got my needles and I fantasized about all the things I was going to make once I learn how to do this stuff. Hurry up first day of class!

First day of class: I walked into the classroom and was horrified. I knew I’d walked into Grandma Hell, when I saw they were all drooling over a crochet magazine that had this: 

What.The.Hell?

Meh

Doesn’t matter. Apparently I’m incapable of crocheting. I am not even good enough to make that non-drug induced crocheted straight out of the trailer park flashback .

I can’t do a double stitch. Teacher said it’s because I talk too much. This could be true.  I’ll just have to bring the instructions home and have pjdaddy show me how it’s done.

Seriously though, not a fan of crochet. Knitting- Pretty. Crocheting- Not pretty.

Since I paid for this class, I will finish…….um, and I suppose  I’ll admit it’s still a break from the kids, so, I will not give up! I will learn this thing called crochet and make each and every one of you the following for Christmas.

 

What? You know you want it.