Mars And Venus In The Kitchen

No one can screw up an entire day of cooking better than me. Seriously, no one. I should have my own Food Network Show. “What NOT To Do In The Kitchen, With PJMomma”.

First I ruined my pumpkin cake, then I went on to ruin everything else. See this chili? Doesn’t it look good? Well it’s not supposed to be chili, it’s supposed to be stew, but I forgot to put the can of tomato sauce in. WOOT! WOOT! I rock.

The cornbread would have been pretty good, but the cornmeal had reached it’s expiration date several years ago.  I think I might have used it for a pizza I made in 1992 and then kept it in the freezer to lengthen it’s shelf life. It tasted freezer burnt.

Even though the kids soundly rejected it, I served it to pjdaddy as “chili” figuring the kids were just being picky as usual. And the few beans I’d had tasted fine to me.

I asked pjdaddy how it tasted and he looked like a cornered animal. I could smell the fear in him.

Look, just answer the question. Is it good or not?

*pjdaddy avoids eye contact

It’s fine. It’s good.

Oh no, hell no. I know what fine means. If I ask him how an outfit looks and he tells me fine, I might as well go naked. Tell me what’s wrong with it so I can either fix it or not bother making it again.

I think if I were to scramble up some eggs and have a tortilla with it, to balance out some of the salt it would taste good.

Ok, so what you’re saying is it’s too salty?

Look, you just don’t “get” me. No matter how bitter and salty it is, I’ll eat it because I know you spent all day making it and you poured your heart into it.

I will confess that actually made me laugh, but I still needed to find out what exactly he felt was wrong with it.

So it’s salty and bitter?

No, no, it’s just salty. And look, we saved $5 by me not making a trip to Arby’s.

Hah, it’s not worth the effort if we only saved $5. And you’re killing me. Why did we have to go through this entire conversation. Why tell me it’s bitter if it’s not?  Just flippin tell me it’s too salty!

We saved more than $5 because I’ll eat it again tomorrow.

No, I don’t want you to eat any more of it if it doesn’t taste good.

No, it tastes fine.

Ok I give up. I’m surprised the deer aren’t lining up in my backyard to have a go at the salt lick I call dinner. I just hope I can cook better today with Elvis Costello.

If any of you are “real” cooks, can you look at this recipe and tell me if it’d still be too salty even if I’d remembered to put the can of tomato sauce in? It seems to me, two bouillon cubes in addition to the envelope of taco seasoning would make it too salty anyways.

Ingredients:

  • 2 lbs. rump roast or lean stew beef
  • 1 envelope taco seasoning
  • 1 can (14.5 ounces) diced tomatoes, Mexican style
  • 1 small can green chile peppers
  • 1 can (8 oz.) tomato sauce
  • 1/2 cup chopped onion
  • two beef bouillon cubes or equivalent granules or base
  • 2 cans (15 ounces each) red kidney beans; rinsed and drained
  • Shredded cheddar cheese

Preparation:

Cut beef into 1/2-inch cubes. Toss with taco seasoning and add to slow cooker. Add the tomatoes, chile peppers, tomato sauce, onion and bouillon cubes. Cover and cook on low 6 to 9 hours or until beef is tender. Add the drained beans and cook until the beans are heated through; around 30 minutes. Serve topped with the shredded cheese and other toppings, as desired.

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Warning: Do NOT Listen to Reverand Horton Heat While Baking!

You will be in the kitchen gettin all rockabilly with your bad self and you will not pay attention to what you’re doing and you will put 3 tablespoons of baking soda in your pumpkin cake instead of 3 teaspoons.

Your children will run from the table screaming and the dog will not even touch it. Your 2 year old will bring a water bottle to you and say, “put in the mouth, mom. put in the mouth.” Ok, he knows full well how to put water in his mouth. I think he was making a point because as soon as I put it in his mouth, he tried to gargle.

Thinking my kids were insane to not enjoy my mom’s recipe I tasted it myself and shot my blood pressure through the roof.

Damn, it was such a pretty cake too. It fell out of the pan. It was moist and was a great color.

For future, I’m just gonna have to put Simon & Garfunkel on instead. It’s easier to concentrate and measure and pour properly listening to them sing about the comeon’s “from the whores on 7th Ave” than it is to hear the Reverand sing about his, “Big Red Rocket of Love”.

For anyone that wants the recipe, when made correctly, it is divine. My mom used to make this when I was a kid, either with bananas that were on their way out, or pumpkin. I’m  not generally a fan of banana bread because I find it to be usually too dry for my tastes. It’s bread. This recipe is more of a cake and it’s nummy.

Banana/Pumpkin Bread Recipe

This recipe makes two loaves.

3 cups sugar (evil white processed sugar)

1 cup oil (I use coconut oil, it’s spendy, but it’s good for you, most “vegetable oil” is soy and I’m not a fan of soy the way it’s prepared today, processed and unfermented)

2/3 cup water

4 eggs

2 cups pumpkin or mashed ripe bananas

1 teaspoon cinammon

1 1/4 teaspoon salt

3 TEASPOONS baking soda

3 1/2 flour

1 cup chopped walnuts

mix, add nuts and bake at 350 degrees for 50-60 minutes use 2 9 inch bread pans

I may not have gotten a picture of the cake, but I got a picture of a “really cool city” cool is subjective in this case.

please try to ignore how the dog has beaten the hell out of the door in the background. He’s bound and determine to get into that room and have a showdown with the trash truck through window. Oh yeah, he’d totally kill that truck if I’d only give him a chance.